Kim Answers Questions About Life, Love, People and Problems.
Kim is a qualified, registered, practising psychologist who gives people answers to questions about their problems free of charge on Words By Kim.
Below are requests for help Kim has received from, and the answers she has given to, people who agreed to have their requests published on this site. Kim has had many other requests for help from people who did not want their issues to be made public and Kim has honoured those wishes.
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My boyfriend has been diagnosed with bipolar and his history is booze and weed ... he is ok sometimes but the smallest movement can set him off and I get the shit from his temper. I used to get in the way but he is pretty rough so I try to bow out graciously.
I have run at the mouth in order to stick up for myself because I was mute for a while in my youth after my first husband left me ... I think it was a breakdown of sorts. I could not find my feeling base and things overwhelmed me. Now I am a bit more cognitive and really seek God in my emotional recovery that's why I think I got led to your site.
I need help dealing with my partner. I am not trying to put the blame on him as there are some awesome things he does for me but he transferring his past onto me ... sometimes things are good and then a fight.
There is one thing he has done since the beginning and that is compare me in a bad way to his ex wife.
I am a performing artist and this woman is a Holistic type that studied herbs, witch craft and crossover Jesus to healing homopathic remedies.
I want to travel study and reach people with the gospel through my songs. I am a songwriter and becoming a signature artist. She wanted to settle on Tasmanian Is. with a community and live hippie dom.
I think their scope of reality is a lot of hocus pocus ... when they talk they fight. I can understand some of this but not at everyone elses expense.
I have a 15 year old son and get to see him on weekends because the father of my boy thought I could not offer him much. He also is abusive and I worry about my son.
My partner thinks I am like his ex. It is not true even if there are characteristics in us that are similar. I am offended by both people. Neither one will come to terms with what is up right now and others suffer because of their neglect and lack of communication.
I really do not like this woman cause I feel her attitude and past abuse issues are being dumped all over me or any other person he has been involved with ... she is hiding and not giving a damn about her abuse and neglect and feeling sorry for herself cause she got hit by him.
Also my partner is not well. He had a vascular haemmorage last Nov and nearly died on me. I desperatly wanted to tell his kids but the letter I wrote got thrown out after he came home from the hospital.
I often wonder if others are trying to break us up??? I esp. wonder if it is her because her trip may be I do not want him but you cannot have him ... I wonder why I feel in the middle?
I thought maybe his ex. got jealous and thought maybe she was in love still but could not handle another woman in his life ... its such an appeasment to her all the time it makes me feel like a mistress. I am so hurt by him putting this anger for her on me.
Thanks for reading this Kim. Do you think my partner is transferring too much onto me?
I am obsessing about him day and night and cannot wait for my next therapy session.
I am well aware of transference and countertransference, but am finding it difficult to remain objective and concentrate on my therapy. I feel that my major aim now is to please and impress him!
How ridiculous is this?
Currently I am in a relationship of 5 years duration, and am perplexed about these feelings towards my therapist, which I initially felt towards my fiancee. I also feel guilty and confused that I should even feel this way over another man.
Should I talk to my therapist about how I feel and risk losing his services, or keep it to myself? I don't want to embarrass myself with my confession...I don't know what to do.
Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
I love my wife and do not want to push her away, but she will leave if I do not get help. We recently had a domestic issue and I do not want this to ever happen again.
I want to become a better person for me and my family.
I want to stop being abusive to my girlfriend. I've tried to stop but there is something stopping me. I've been with her for 3 years now and it only started just before the beginning of our 2nd year together but it's just gotten worse.
I had been on the road to recovery and I went 5-6 months (recently) without a single thought of doing anything but I felt it creep back up in my mind one day unexpectedly and then it came out again.
Now I've been trying to stop, my girlfriend wants me to stop but a lot of the time her actions contradict that, that must be a very common line but I need to explain.
She has a habit of always raising her voice in simple conversations to an angry defensive tone when others are speaking calmly and that's how something simple usually turns into a argument and then escalates or sometimes she feels a need to keep important things in (ex: how she feels, what might of happened to her that might be on a need to know basis so on so forth) which eventually leads into a long line of lies that all end up foldin on her and seeming like it was all done on purpose then she replies with "I thought you would get mad so I didnt tell you" when in actuality it was something so simple made into something bigger.
She also lacks the ability to express her feelings and emotions in ways other than yelling and she keeps them bottled up and when she pops it always seems to be because I can't figure out what she's thinking and I get agitated that she expects me to know each and every last thing that's on her mind. Then it goes from calm covo to hectic argument in a matter of seconds.
I'm not trying to justify my actions and I can admit when I'm wrong and that I do need some serious help but she has to understand that I'm really trying/wanting to stop permanently and she needs to compromise a bit with me and try not to argue unneccessarily or purposely push buttons.
You wouldn't give a recovering alcholic liquor so why would any one put someone in the position to relapse if they are trying to get better?
With that said I have 2 different counsellors lined up next week 1 for myself and a relationship counsellor for the two of us. Is that a good idea?
I just want to be able to express to her that I'm willing and able to change but if she can't at least try to improve a little on her side then its doomed to be a cycle and I dont wanna be this person, thats not who I am.
If we both fail to realize any error in our ways and it stays one sided going back and forth then it won't work but I don't want her to feel I'm saying "hey its all her fault and she's the one that needs to change" I just wanna make it work but I can't ignore the obvious.
We both have to help each other stay in track with our goals.
Anyways, about 1.5 months ago; we were coming back from a sales trip that i had had to Germany. The trip went well without many hitches, minor disagreements and insecurities but nothing major. On the drive back from the airport we start arguing. After talking with my wife after the incident; I realize that i took out my anger on others on her. I didn't want to talk. She did.
I lost my temper, started screaming repeatedly, "leave me alone" over and over again. This quickly escalated to "shut the fuck up" over and over again. My wife, not one to ever back down, continued.
I took myself out of the situation by pulling over and walking, trying to calm down. Didn't work. Came back still madder then hell and everything got worse. I don't remember everything but i know i must have slapped her or was physical with her in some way. Then it was her turn to get out of the vehicle. After a while, she got back in. She then tells me that it is over, and that she threw her wedding ring and we will never find it. Turns out later that she wasn't telling the truth; she actually put it in her pocket.
After she told me this; i lost it. I tried to get her out of the car by pulling on her, kicking, biting, slapping, everything. I just wanted her out. In the process; i bruised her up, left two bite marks, and broke her finger.
We get home; things obviously aren't the same. We had been physical before, never like this. I recommend counseling; she agrees. The next week; my sister gets married. Next week my wife has to take an emergency trip to Costa Rica. During this time, i make the call but don't schedule anything as i want to wait for her. She gets back from her trip. Within an hour of her getting back she tells me that she dreaded the trip up to the house; roughly four hours from the airport. she tells me that she wants to move back to Dallas, which is where her family and support network are.
Long story short. She moved out about two weeks ago. We aren't an abusive couple. She and i agree that we get along 99% percent of the time perfectly fine. Her children and mine get along well. She loves my children like her own as i love her children like my own.
I have started attending batterers intervention meeting. Twice a week for four hours total. I want to change; i want back what i had. I realize that it was my anger that ruined everything. She has told me over and over again that she cant be with me again; she can't trust me when i tell her it will never happen again.
I disagree. I know i want to change; i know i have it in me. After the first couple of meetings; i realize that this may help put me on the right path. But what next? what else can I do?
Ideally, an internet based group would be ideal as the drive to and from these meetings equals up to about 5.5 hours of driving each week... I guess any advice you could give I would be willing to listen to. Thank you.
We were at my friends house for dinner last week and my daughter was playing with my friends 2 year old son. All went quiet so I went into the bedroom to check on them and I found my daughter trying to get my friends 2 year old son to touch and watch her touch her private parts!!! I told her this is wrong and I was disgusted but she didn't seem like there was anything wrong with what she was doing still. She is a very anxious child who is scared/phobic of almost everything and she is never happy!
Her first meeting with a counsellor is next week. Do you have any advice for me in the mean time?