Advice By Kim

Advice

Kim Answers Questions About Life, Love, People and Problems.

Kim is a qualified, registered, practising psychologist who gives people answers to questions about their problems free of charge on Words By Kim.

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shim shim wrote on February 2, 2007 at 4:09 pm
My boyfriend is abusive and I know I should leave him, but it's hard because I do love him. He's constantly threatening me when things don't go his way and I think the best thing to do would be leave, but I can't because I have no life without him. I gave up everything for him. It feels like life's not even worth living if I don't have him because in reality I have nothing.
Admin Reply by: Kim
Hi Shim, sounds to me like you have been pretty thoroughly brainwashed!

I''m guessing you had low self-esteem and problems with your family when you met this guy and he made you feel loved and appreciated so you "gave up everything for him" and then he changed.

Suddenly, and for reasons you don't understand, you can't seem to do anything right and things he used to like about you have become things that irritate him.

He used to tell you how beautiful he thought you were, for example, and now he's telling you to lose weight or change the way you dress or maybe he used to love the way you laugh and now he tells you it irritates him and everyone else too.

He used to build you up and support you and now all he ever seems to do is tear you down and undermine you - right?

Whatever support you used to have is gone and you feel like you have nothing if you don't have him - right?

You can't see that, at 16, you have everything you need to make a very good life for yourself - you have TIME.

Read the other letter I am posting here today. That could be you someday if you do not shake off the belief this man is the best you can get!

You say people do not understand your situation and that is probably true because they can see you deserve better!

They never saw the man you fell in love with because that man never really existed and you are wasting your youth waiting for him to reappear. He was never a real person! He was a part your boyfriend invented, a role he played, the honey he baited the trap with. Now he has caught you he has discarded that fantasy person and will only ever play that role again if he needs to stop you from dumping him!

It sounds like he won't replay the role even then as you say he threatens you to get his own way now.

Let me repeat this because it is important for you to believe it - THE MAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH DOES NOT EXIST! The man who abuses and threatens you is the person he really is and who he will always be if he does not get counselling to change himself.

Stop waiting for that wonderful person you think he can be to come back. He was an act and it is over. You kissed a prince and he turned into a toad - let him go or you will not be available for the real prince when he comes into your life!

Go for counselling and work on your self-esteem. We tend to get what we think we deserve in a partner. If you think you are no good the men who want to treat you badly will be attracted to you because they can tell you will put up with their abuse. If you believe you deserve a good man you will be able to attract one!

I'm not telling you to leave your boyfriend as I understand you probably don't have the courage or faith in yourself to do that yet. I'm telling you to go back to counselling and work on getting the courage and faith in yourself to go after someone who will treat you right and help you have a wonderful life. It might even help change your boyfriend although I must caution you the odds are very much against that happening.

Sometimes an increase in a partners self-esteem can result in a changed attitude that convinces an abuser they need to change too. It doesn't happen very often. Abusers usually just work very hard to force their partner to quit counselling but it can happen if he really does love you and you don't give in to his demands to go back to the way you were.

Either way - what have you got to lose apart from the misery you are enduring right now?

I hope you will go for counselling and get the support you need to break out of this trap your boyfriend has caught you in because I know you can have a happy life if you set your mind to it and get the help you need.

Cheers - Kim
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