Advice
Kim Answers Questions About Life, Love, People and Problems.
Kim is a qualified, registered, practising psychologist who gives people answers to questions about their problems free of charge on Words By Kim.
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wrote on July 7, 2011
at
2:05 pm
I am obsessing about him day and night and cannot wait for my next therapy session.
I am well aware of transference and countertransference, but am finding it difficult to remain objective and concentrate on my therapy. I feel that my major aim now is to please and impress him!
How ridiculous is this?
Currently I am in a relationship of 5 years duration, and am perplexed about these feelings towards my therapist, which I initially felt towards my fiancee. I also feel guilty and confused that I should even feel this way over another man.
Should I talk to my therapist about how I feel and risk losing his services, or keep it to myself? I don't want to embarrass myself with my confession...I don't know what to do.
Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou.
It sounds like you have heard the technical talk but now you are finding out what the terms really mean and how easily it happens.
You may find it comforting to know it is extremely common for clients to develop romantic feelings for their therapist. A good therapeutic relationship makes the client feel listened to, understood, and unconditionally accepted.
Everyone finds people who listen, understand and accept them to be emotionally satisfying companions and this can turn into romance as anyone who has ever become attracted to their partners best friend can testify.
These positive feelings are heightened in the therapeutic setting because the client is in distress. Their therapist is there for them in a way even their partner may be unable to offer and they are hugely vulnerable to mistaking their positive feelings for their therapist for love.
It is so common for clients to feel this way that therapists are under ethical obligations to avoid getting into a relationship with their clients for at least one year after therapy has ceased.
This gives the client time to recover perspective and realise it was not love after all.
If your therapist is an ethical one it should be safe to disclose your feelings to him and get his assistance in dealing with those too. It is, however, an unfortunate fact that some therapists do take advantage of clients under such conditions.
As long as you are harbouring undisclosed romantic feelings for him your therapy will suffer as you will be distracted by fantasies and the subsequent guilt.
Tell your therapist what is happening for you. He should not be at all shocked and should, in fact, take it as evidence he is doing his job well.
A word of caution - if he does anything to encourage your feelings or tries to take advantage of them in any way he will be PROVING he does NOT care about you AT ALL!!
I cannot stress that enough!
He will have had it drummed into him that allowing a personal relationship to develop during therapy is the MOST harmful thing a therapist can do to their client. If he is prepared to take advantage of your vulnerability he is thinking about himself not you!
If he actually loved you his only choice would be to stop seeing you for one year and THEN start a relationship with you! Only then could he be certain your feelings were real and not the result of a good therapeutic relationship. Only then could he be certain he was not doing the wrong thing by you!
So don't be embarrassed. Your feelings for him are simply proof that he is doing a really good job with you. Once they are out in the open you can work together to stop them from getting in the way of your progress.
Hope that helps and all the best.
Kim
