Advice
Kim Answers Questions About Life, Love, People and Problems.
Kim is a qualified, registered, practising psychologist who gives people answers to questions about their problems free of charge on Words By Kim.
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wrote on April 16, 2011
at
2:03 pm
I am having trouble locating a program that will help me deal with my anger issues.
I love my wife and do not want to push her away, but she will leave if I do not get help. We recently had a domestic issue and I do not want this to ever happen again.
I want to become a better person for me and my family.
I love my wife and do not want to push her away, but she will leave if I do not get help. We recently had a domestic issue and I do not want this to ever happen again.
I want to become a better person for me and my family.
Admin Reply by: Kim
Hi pb, congratulations on having the strength to admit you have a problem and the intelligence to ask for help with it!
This is an issue that has come up over and over again on this site and I wish a programme such as you are looking for existed. You are not the only one wanting it.
The problem with coming up with a programme or something people can use without professional help is the nature of anger.
Anger management may sound like a simple thing and, in one way, it is. The simple part is that nobody and nothing can MAKE you angry!
Anger is an internal response to internal processes that, of course, can be set in motion by external things.
There is nothing wrong with the internal response itself since anger does have a legitimate role to play in our lives. Anger is often the motivation that drives people to stand up to tyrants, fight injustices, DO something about what has angered them.
There may, or may not, be something you can do about these external things. You can run from, or fight, a tyrant but what if it is your boss? You can leave a bad situation but what if it is your family home? You can avoid nasty people or places but if you can't do that, or the problem is inside you, then you have to find other ways to deal with your anger.
The focus of anger management, therefore, is on what is happening inside you. The internal processes that move a person from calm to angry are what anger management tries to intervene with.
In people with anger problems the middle guy is very often hypervigilant and quick to take offence. It decides a threat is present when most people would not see a threat. It interprets situations in ways people without an anger problem would not interpret them and this triggers anger other people would not experience.
The complex aspect of it is that these ways of seeing the world and interpreting things are difficult to shift.
It's not as simple as telling yourself not to be so touchy or trying to convince yourself what you think or suspect is not true or, as a last resort, working out how to control the anger.
You need to find out what pushes your anger buttons and then you need to disconnect those buttons or get rid of them entirely.
Our anger buttons are as individual as we are so I can't help you find them let alone advise you on how to disconnect or get rid of them. For that you need professional help.
The best I can do is offer you a band-aid solution.
Think back to every time you have ever gotten angry and try to work out what the very first sign you are getting angry is.
Maybe you start breathing heavily, maybe you start feeling hot, maybe you feel the muscles in your neck or hands start tightening.
I don't know what it will be for you but the release of adreneline is the starting point of anger and it causes physical symptoms.
Once you have identified the very first sign of anger in you learn to notice it happening as soon as it happens. If you feel it happening remove yourself from the situation immediately.
Tell your wife, if that is who you are getting angry with, you are getting angry and need to stop. Don't delay or talk any further just take a walk, do some deep breathing or something and return when you are calm.
You may be surprised at the results of this. You may discover that, contrary to your current beliefs, your anger begins somewhere totally different from where it erupts!
You may even find your anger is always there. There may be no warning signals because it is your constant companion. If you find there is no starting point, no place at which you can interrupt your anger and take the pot off the flame, you need to seek help from a professional!
Anger is treatable. If you can find the starting point you can stop it from boiling over but, if your anger is a serious problem, this band-aid solution may be fairly useless.
It may result in you having to walk away from everyone the minute they open their mouths and that's no way to live.
If this solution works then that's great but don't hesitate to seek professional help if it doesn't work. All you stand to lose is your problematic anger.
Treatment will not make you get rid of appropriate anger. Quite the contrary. Treatment will teach you how to use appropriate anger to get good results.
I wish you all the best and hope this band-aid helps.
This is an issue that has come up over and over again on this site and I wish a programme such as you are looking for existed. You are not the only one wanting it.
The problem with coming up with a programme or something people can use without professional help is the nature of anger.
Anger management may sound like a simple thing and, in one way, it is. The simple part is that nobody and nothing can MAKE you angry!
Anger is an internal response to internal processes that, of course, can be set in motion by external things.
There is nothing wrong with the internal response itself since anger does have a legitimate role to play in our lives. Anger is often the motivation that drives people to stand up to tyrants, fight injustices, DO something about what has angered them.
There may, or may not, be something you can do about these external things. You can run from, or fight, a tyrant but what if it is your boss? You can leave a bad situation but what if it is your family home? You can avoid nasty people or places but if you can't do that, or the problem is inside you, then you have to find other ways to deal with your anger.
The focus of anger management, therefore, is on what is happening inside you. The internal processes that move a person from calm to angry are what anger management tries to intervene with.
In people with anger problems the middle guy is very often hypervigilant and quick to take offence. It decides a threat is present when most people would not see a threat. It interprets situations in ways people without an anger problem would not interpret them and this triggers anger other people would not experience.
The complex aspect of it is that these ways of seeing the world and interpreting things are difficult to shift.
It's not as simple as telling yourself not to be so touchy or trying to convince yourself what you think or suspect is not true or, as a last resort, working out how to control the anger.
You need to find out what pushes your anger buttons and then you need to disconnect those buttons or get rid of them entirely.
Our anger buttons are as individual as we are so I can't help you find them let alone advise you on how to disconnect or get rid of them. For that you need professional help.
The best I can do is offer you a band-aid solution.
Think back to every time you have ever gotten angry and try to work out what the very first sign you are getting angry is.
Maybe you start breathing heavily, maybe you start feeling hot, maybe you feel the muscles in your neck or hands start tightening.
I don't know what it will be for you but the release of adreneline is the starting point of anger and it causes physical symptoms.
Once you have identified the very first sign of anger in you learn to notice it happening as soon as it happens. If you feel it happening remove yourself from the situation immediately.
Tell your wife, if that is who you are getting angry with, you are getting angry and need to stop. Don't delay or talk any further just take a walk, do some deep breathing or something and return when you are calm.
You may be surprised at the results of this. You may discover that, contrary to your current beliefs, your anger begins somewhere totally different from where it erupts!
You may even find your anger is always there. There may be no warning signals because it is your constant companion. If you find there is no starting point, no place at which you can interrupt your anger and take the pot off the flame, you need to seek help from a professional!
Anger is treatable. If you can find the starting point you can stop it from boiling over but, if your anger is a serious problem, this band-aid solution may be fairly useless.
It may result in you having to walk away from everyone the minute they open their mouths and that's no way to live.
If this solution works then that's great but don't hesitate to seek professional help if it doesn't work. All you stand to lose is your problematic anger.
Treatment will not make you get rid of appropriate anger. Quite the contrary. Treatment will teach you how to use appropriate anger to get good results.
I wish you all the best and hope this band-aid helps.
