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wrote on November 24, 2010
at
2:01 pm
well here goes
I want to stop being abusive to my girlfriend. I've tried to stop but there is something stopping me. I've been with her for 3 years now and it only started just before the beginning of our 2nd year together but it's just gotten worse.
I had been on the road to recovery and I went 5-6 months (recently) without a single thought of doing anything but I felt it creep back up in my mind one day unexpectedly and then it came out again.
Now I've been trying to stop, my girlfriend wants me to stop but a lot of the time her actions contradict that, that must be a very common line but I need to explain.
She has a habit of always raising her voice in simple conversations to an angry defensive tone when others are speaking calmly and that's how something simple usually turns into a argument and then escalates or sometimes she feels a need to keep important things in (ex: how she feels, what might of happened to her that might be on a need to know basis so on so forth) which eventually leads into a long line of lies that all end up foldin on her and seeming like it was all done on purpose then she replies with "I thought you would get mad so I didnt tell you" when in actuality it was something so simple made into something bigger.
She also lacks the ability to express her feelings and emotions in ways other than yelling and she keeps them bottled up and when she pops it always seems to be because I can't figure out what she's thinking and I get agitated that she expects me to know each and every last thing that's on her mind. Then it goes from calm covo to hectic argument in a matter of seconds.
I'm not trying to justify my actions and I can admit when I'm wrong and that I do need some serious help but she has to understand that I'm really trying/wanting to stop permanently and she needs to compromise a bit with me and try not to argue unneccessarily or purposely push buttons.
You wouldn't give a recovering alcholic liquor so why would any one put someone in the position to relapse if they are trying to get better?
With that said I have 2 different counsellors lined up next week 1 for myself and a relationship counsellor for the two of us. Is that a good idea?
I just want to be able to express to her that I'm willing and able to change but if she can't at least try to improve a little on her side then its doomed to be a cycle and I dont wanna be this person, thats not who I am.
If we both fail to realize any error in our ways and it stays one sided going back and forth then it won't work but I don't want her to feel I'm saying "hey its all her fault and she's the one that needs to change" I just wanna make it work but I can't ignore the obvious.
We both have to help each other stay in track with our goals.
I want to stop being abusive to my girlfriend. I've tried to stop but there is something stopping me. I've been with her for 3 years now and it only started just before the beginning of our 2nd year together but it's just gotten worse.
I had been on the road to recovery and I went 5-6 months (recently) without a single thought of doing anything but I felt it creep back up in my mind one day unexpectedly and then it came out again.
Now I've been trying to stop, my girlfriend wants me to stop but a lot of the time her actions contradict that, that must be a very common line but I need to explain.
She has a habit of always raising her voice in simple conversations to an angry defensive tone when others are speaking calmly and that's how something simple usually turns into a argument and then escalates or sometimes she feels a need to keep important things in (ex: how she feels, what might of happened to her that might be on a need to know basis so on so forth) which eventually leads into a long line of lies that all end up foldin on her and seeming like it was all done on purpose then she replies with "I thought you would get mad so I didnt tell you" when in actuality it was something so simple made into something bigger.
She also lacks the ability to express her feelings and emotions in ways other than yelling and she keeps them bottled up and when she pops it always seems to be because I can't figure out what she's thinking and I get agitated that she expects me to know each and every last thing that's on her mind. Then it goes from calm covo to hectic argument in a matter of seconds.
I'm not trying to justify my actions and I can admit when I'm wrong and that I do need some serious help but she has to understand that I'm really trying/wanting to stop permanently and she needs to compromise a bit with me and try not to argue unneccessarily or purposely push buttons.
You wouldn't give a recovering alcholic liquor so why would any one put someone in the position to relapse if they are trying to get better?
With that said I have 2 different counsellors lined up next week 1 for myself and a relationship counsellor for the two of us. Is that a good idea?
I just want to be able to express to her that I'm willing and able to change but if she can't at least try to improve a little on her side then its doomed to be a cycle and I dont wanna be this person, thats not who I am.
If we both fail to realize any error in our ways and it stays one sided going back and forth then it won't work but I don't want her to feel I'm saying "hey its all her fault and she's the one that needs to change" I just wanna make it work but I can't ignore the obvious.
We both have to help each other stay in track with our goals.
Admin Reply by: Kim
Hi Tre and kudos to you for reaching out to get help. It takes a lot of strength to do that so well done. I think your decision to see two counsellors, one for yourself and one as a couple, is an excellent choice and I hope you stick with that choice and follow through.
You say you are not trying to justify your actions or put the blame for your behaviour on your girl and liken it to giving an alcoholic liquor so let's go with that example.
What alcoholic is going to ever stay sober if he can't say no when people offer him alcohol? Everywhere he goes he is going to run into temptation. Weddings, parties, dinner out with friends, going to a game, funerals, business lunches, BBQ's, Christmas office parties, and so on.
Alcohol is everywhere and so common people, even work bosses, give it as gifts. A huge part of recovering from alcoholism is learning how to manage such temptations and avoid lapsing.
I think I know what you mean though - why would someone who loves you and knows you are trying to quit drinking be offering you alcohol - right? Well, sad to say, some people do offer alcoholics a drink to see if they really have recovered and can be trusted again. Other people offer alcoholics a drink because they think the problem is theirs and it is up to them to solve it not depend on others to make it easy for them.
The thing is, you can't make changing yourself dependent on someone else changing too, it doesn't work.
To stay with your example - it's like saying you and your girl are both alcoholics and you can only give up alcohol if your girl gives it up too. The problem with that is people are only able to change if they have strong motivations of their own. If she doesn't want to stop drinking for her own reasons she won't be able to stop just to please you no matter how hard she tries.
If changing just to please others worked you would not still have a problem - right? You have already tried to change to please your girl and it isn't working.
The thing is, Tre, if you are like a recovering alcoholic with your anger management problem then your girlfriend is not like someone offering you alcohol - she is the equivalent of a bottle of liquor!
Asking her to stop tempting you into getting angry is like asking a bottle of alcohol to stop tempting you to drink!
As long as your focus is on what others can do to help you stop you will not be able to really control this behaviour. Even if your girl stopped doing all the things you say are triggering your anger she is only human. She will get upset now and then and lapse back into her own ways and then you will be at risk of lapsing back into yours.
You need to focus on overcoming the temptation so well nobody can push your buttons any more and counselling can help you do that.
The first step to becoming master of yourself is disconnecting the buttons people can push that make you behave in ways you don't want to.
Some people LIKE pushing other people's buttons!
Many a vicious ex-wife has been able to get her husband thrown in jail and cut off from his kids simply by pushing his anger buttons and letting the law punish him for his reactions. There are people out there who will push anger buttons in the hope the other person will take a swing at them so they can beat them to a pulp and claim the other person started it.
Some people in this world actually feel like a winner if they are able to force others to get angry. I work on a help line and we have regular callers whose only reason for calling is to make the counsellor who answers the call get angry! If they succeed they gleefully accuse the counsellor of being lousy at their job and hang up. You can hear them thinking "I win" as soon as you react with anything even remotely resembling anger!
I don't let them get to me because I know nobody can MAKE me angry without my permission. It is not what other people do or say that causes anger it is what you think about what they have done or said that triggers it. That is where the counselling can help.
Why do you get upset when people yell? What stops you from saying you don't want to talk to them when they are doing that and walking away? What makes you feel you have to argue about it and yell back or get angry yourself?
When you find the answers to those questions, and a counsellor can help you find those answers, you will find the key to disconnecting those buttons. If you work at it you may even find yourself not the slightest bit bothered by her yelling and laughing at her for expecting you to be able to read her mind.
The above mentioned callers tend to be the ones who end up angry when they get me on the line. Nothing they say gets to me and it makes them feel like a failure which is not what they want. I have to answer these callers in order to collect my pay and I can't make them change. All I can do is focus on controlling the things I think about what they say so it doesn't get to me. Instead of thinking "How dare you say that to me" I think "nice try but you are not going to force me to do anything I don't want to do and that includes get angry".
Don't focus on what your girl has to do to help you give up being abusive. You can't change her! Focus on what you have to do to become master of your own actions. Do you really want to be a puppet dancing on the strings of your own uncontrollable anger all your life? Don't fight your anger demons for your girlfriend - do it for yourself!
I wish you all the best.
You say you are not trying to justify your actions or put the blame for your behaviour on your girl and liken it to giving an alcoholic liquor so let's go with that example.
What alcoholic is going to ever stay sober if he can't say no when people offer him alcohol? Everywhere he goes he is going to run into temptation. Weddings, parties, dinner out with friends, going to a game, funerals, business lunches, BBQ's, Christmas office parties, and so on.
Alcohol is everywhere and so common people, even work bosses, give it as gifts. A huge part of recovering from alcoholism is learning how to manage such temptations and avoid lapsing.
I think I know what you mean though - why would someone who loves you and knows you are trying to quit drinking be offering you alcohol - right? Well, sad to say, some people do offer alcoholics a drink to see if they really have recovered and can be trusted again. Other people offer alcoholics a drink because they think the problem is theirs and it is up to them to solve it not depend on others to make it easy for them.
The thing is, you can't make changing yourself dependent on someone else changing too, it doesn't work.
To stay with your example - it's like saying you and your girl are both alcoholics and you can only give up alcohol if your girl gives it up too. The problem with that is people are only able to change if they have strong motivations of their own. If she doesn't want to stop drinking for her own reasons she won't be able to stop just to please you no matter how hard she tries.
If changing just to please others worked you would not still have a problem - right? You have already tried to change to please your girl and it isn't working.
The thing is, Tre, if you are like a recovering alcoholic with your anger management problem then your girlfriend is not like someone offering you alcohol - she is the equivalent of a bottle of liquor!
Asking her to stop tempting you into getting angry is like asking a bottle of alcohol to stop tempting you to drink!
As long as your focus is on what others can do to help you stop you will not be able to really control this behaviour. Even if your girl stopped doing all the things you say are triggering your anger she is only human. She will get upset now and then and lapse back into her own ways and then you will be at risk of lapsing back into yours.
You need to focus on overcoming the temptation so well nobody can push your buttons any more and counselling can help you do that.
The first step to becoming master of yourself is disconnecting the buttons people can push that make you behave in ways you don't want to.
Some people LIKE pushing other people's buttons!
Many a vicious ex-wife has been able to get her husband thrown in jail and cut off from his kids simply by pushing his anger buttons and letting the law punish him for his reactions. There are people out there who will push anger buttons in the hope the other person will take a swing at them so they can beat them to a pulp and claim the other person started it.
Some people in this world actually feel like a winner if they are able to force others to get angry. I work on a help line and we have regular callers whose only reason for calling is to make the counsellor who answers the call get angry! If they succeed they gleefully accuse the counsellor of being lousy at their job and hang up. You can hear them thinking "I win" as soon as you react with anything even remotely resembling anger!
I don't let them get to me because I know nobody can MAKE me angry without my permission. It is not what other people do or say that causes anger it is what you think about what they have done or said that triggers it. That is where the counselling can help.
Why do you get upset when people yell? What stops you from saying you don't want to talk to them when they are doing that and walking away? What makes you feel you have to argue about it and yell back or get angry yourself?
When you find the answers to those questions, and a counsellor can help you find those answers, you will find the key to disconnecting those buttons. If you work at it you may even find yourself not the slightest bit bothered by her yelling and laughing at her for expecting you to be able to read her mind.
The above mentioned callers tend to be the ones who end up angry when they get me on the line. Nothing they say gets to me and it makes them feel like a failure which is not what they want. I have to answer these callers in order to collect my pay and I can't make them change. All I can do is focus on controlling the things I think about what they say so it doesn't get to me. Instead of thinking "How dare you say that to me" I think "nice try but you are not going to force me to do anything I don't want to do and that includes get angry".
Don't focus on what your girl has to do to help you give up being abusive. You can't change her! Focus on what you have to do to become master of your own actions. Do you really want to be a puppet dancing on the strings of your own uncontrollable anger all your life? Don't fight your anger demons for your girlfriend - do it for yourself!
I wish you all the best.
