I’m really struggling to post entries at the moment because I’m convinced nobody wants to read about my depression. I write an entry, think nobody wants to read it and put it aside. Then I write another one and think it doesn’t fit with what I said in the other entry and nobody will want to read it anyway so that gets put aside too.
What is happening in my life right now centers around my depression so it’s hard to write about anything else. I have decided, therefore, to create a new category for entries relating to my depression. That way people will know it’s about depression and they can skip it if they are not interested. That will let me stop worrying I am going to bore or depress people.
I’ve been on the anti-depressant for a week now and it seems to be OK as far as the usual physical side effects go. My doctor has me on the lowest dose so I’m not getting the stomach cramps or gagging-when-I-yawn side effects I had last time but I think it is interfering with my ability to think and with my sleep pattern.
I seem to be getting sleepy after dark and the past few nights I have been falling asleep at 10 or 11 pm then sleeping through to around 6 am. This is a complete reversal of my normal sleep pattern. I have always been a night owl and I do a lot of overnight shifts because I prefer them. I also don’t usually sleep more than four to six hours at a time. The extra hours sleeping seem to be leaving me with a headache when I wake up or maybe that’s a physical side effect.
If the change in my sleep pattern continues it will cause some serious problems for me at work. I will be like my co-workers when they do overnight shifts – sleepy and fighting to stay awake!
I’m also having problems concentrating I think but I can’t be sure. It could just be a decrease in obsessive behaviour.
I have been almost obsessive about writing in this blog. Anything that happens is a potential entry and I try to write a new entry at least every third day. I read somewhere that you have to update daily or several times a day if possible but no less than every three days. I head for the computer as soon as I wake up and spend a lot of time writing, surfing, checking my website statistics. When there are fewer visitors to the site than normal I start to worry that I have made people go away and I try to think of something to write that will bring them back.
I seem to be losing interest in all that. I have only been writing this for about ten or fifteen minutes, for example, and I am sick of writing. I’m thinking “Who CARES anyway?” and wanting to find something else to do.
Last night I tried to read a book on self-care that my supervisor loaned me but all the jargon annoyed me so I went gambling instead. I lost 200 dollars and right now I’m thinking “Who CARES anyway? It is only money and I will stop doing it for sure now.”
Half an hour ago I was not so unconcerned though. I was thinking “What a dreadful waste of money! I have GOT to stop doing that and stop NOW!”
I seem to be fluctuating a little bit emotionally between calm or depressed into brief moments of annoyance, irritability, impatience and even anger.
The crisis that triggered me into falling apart has passed now and I am tempted to do what I always do when that happens – stop taking the medication and get on with my life without help. I wrote an entire entry about that issue called “My Depression” so I think I will just post it rather than go into that here.
There’s a part of me that suspects I am going to change my mind completely about sharing so much of myself on this site once I am completely well. I suspect, once I am able to make real life connections with other people, I will not need to make them online or through my work. I wrote about that in another entry called “Seeing A Psychologist” so I guess I will post that too rather than talk about it in this entry.
That’s it. I can’t think of anything else to say right now so I will post this and the other two entries and leave it at that. Or not. Maybe I should hang on to the other two entries and post them at three day intervals. That way I won’t have to try and think of something to write for another nine days hehehe.
That would be cheating though so I guess I will post all three.
“There’s a part of me that suspects I am going to change my mind completely about sharing so much of myself on this site once I am completely well. I suspect, once I am able to make real life connections with other people, I will not need to make them online or through my work.”
You are right in saying the above. When I first came to online support groups for CG it was a very important and critical part of my day(s). I needed to stay very connected to others who understood what I was feeling. Then as time marched on and my life started changing, read improving, I found that even though I wanted to stay connected, especially to my own board, other, normal, enjoyable, everyday things were taking up my time and before I knew it the day was over.
A lot of what you say here, sounds so very familiar to me – eg. being a night owl, going of meds, when I thought I was doing well, only to find myself fluctuating back and forth, not fully realizing the benefits of staying on the meds despite this, thinking no-one was really interested in what I had to say about feeling depressed, or anything else for that matter.
What I would like to say to you Kim, in an effort to encourage you to continue sharing your experiences – There are probably more people reading, relating and thankful for you doing so, than you realize.
Too often we feel this way and keep everything inside, but when we finally open up, there are so many that are going through the same things, in one way or another, that it brings a sense of relief to be able to see that we aren’t alone,
I think you are doing a wonderful job by sharing your thoughts and feelings here and though I may not respond very often, I feel a strange sort of comfort reading and you messages and there are so many things I can relate to, that at times I feel I am reading about myself.
So keep doing what you are doing, while you need to, the time will come, of it’s own accord, when you will no longer need to do so. The good thing is though, that your words will be available for others to read, for as long as you leave the board online and accessible for those that are searching for answers.
Thank you Kim.
PS: Are you in Australia?
Excuse the typos, in a rush as I have to get ready for work, but felt the need to respond.
Thank you so much for this comment – you were actually one of the people I was afraid I had offended, bored or driven away! Knowing you still read encourages me so much and yes, I am in Australia, I’m in Victoria.
Hi again Kim,
No I’m still hanging around, don’t see myself leaving my safety net for a very very long time yet, if ever, though, like I mentioned, having the time is a BIG factor in my life.
Don’t know why I asked if you are in Australia, I do believe I knew that, was one of those “duh” early morning moments – definitely still not a morning person :-).
I’m in Victoria also Kim. Perhaps you would like to email me and if we aren’t too distant from each other, we may one day be able to meet up for coffee/chat. Just remember I am geographically impaired, my way of dealing with and explaining “anxiety/panic” of venturing out of my safety zone, though I have improved a lot over the last few years, I still have my moments.
Email me some time … if / when you feel comfortable enough to do so.
I hope you have a great weekend Kim.
I have edited your comment to remove your email address so the email address harvesters will not grab it and fill your inbox with junk email. Hope you don’t mind.
I too have problems going outside the immediate area I live in and I am not sure I am ready yet to start letting people get too close to me.
I will drop you an email though. Hope your weekend is great too.
Cheers – Kim