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                                    FOR THE SUICIDAL
A Reason To Live
When I Was Suicidal
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Who Is Kim?

Welcome To My Site

Welcome to Words By Kim.  I am a registered psychologist currently working as a crisis counsellor.  I am a mother of two.  I am over 50 years of age so my son and daughter are adults now but I was a single parent for the first few years of their lives.  I have trained in psychology and journalism and have a gift for writing or so I have been told.  I am also a born-again Christian.

My life is a testimony to the power of God to take the damaged and heal it, to turn a negative into a positive, to change chaos and devastation into peace and tranquility.

When I was five months old my mother woke to find she was trying to strangle me in her sleep so she sent me to live with her mother.  She took me back when I was two but I was sent to stay at a few more foster homes before she managed to achieve any kind of stability in her life so my start in life wasn't all that great and it only got worse.

I was about two when I was sexually assaulted for the first time but that was neither the last, nor the worst, sexual assault I had to endure during my childhood.  I craved affection because none was available in my home and that made me a prime target for abusers.

By the time I was a teenager I didn't care any more.  I had decided I was not the kind of person anyone could love so I settled for sex since that was the closest thing to love I could find.  I ran away from home and wandered the streets for a few years as a teen.  During that time I briefly tried drugs and prostitution and I was raped several times including a very traumatic gang rape.

My suicide attempts began when I was in grade school and continued until just after the gang rape when the doctor who was pumping my stomach told me I was wasting his time.  He made me promise not to try again unless I was 100% certain of success.

I didn't stop thinking about suicide, or wanting to suicide, but I did stop trying to kill myself because I couldn't think of a way that was guaranteed not to fail and expose me to the anger and contempt of another doctor.  I switched to self-harm instead.

At 19 I became a single mother and I had no idea how to be a good mother so I was a very bad one.  I hated what I was doing to my son but I didn't know how to stop so I turned to God and asked Him to take over my life.  I didn't believe in God at that time but I was desperate.  There was nothing else to try.  I couldn't turn to any human being because I didn't trust people but I had to do something for the sake, and safety, of my son.

I didn't believe in God but I made a deal with Him anyway.  I told Him I was willing to believe if He was willing to reveal himself to me.  I told Him if Jesus did exist, and He did die for me, I was willing to accept that sacrifice and hand myself over.

God accepted that deal, came into my life, convinced me He was real and that He did love me and my journey from hell on earth to peace and tranquility began.

It's been a long journey which has included marriage and divorce, ignorance and university, grief and loss, trauma and PTSD.  I have wrestled with addictions, chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, suicidal thoughts, mistrust, paranoia, anger, self-pity, low self-esteem, guilt, self-harm, hate, resentment, unforgiveness and fear.

I have had to battle through most of that stuff with no help apart from what God gave me because I didn't like or trust human beings so I wouldn't let them help me.  God did bring people into my life who helped now and then but He had to do most of the work himself.

God took my broken heart and mended it.  He healed my wounded spirit and gave peace to my troubled mind.  He took the rocks and stones of abuse that were thrown at me and changed them into pearls of wisdom and understanding.  He arranged for me to get an education and steered me into a profession.  He changed me from one who couldn't even help herself to someone who actually helps others for a living now.

The journey isn't over yet.  I still wrestle with issues and problems and you can read about those struggles in my blog but I have found peace and I owe it all to God.

God can do the impossible.  I am living proof of that.  I hope you will find something on this site that will help you find God in your own journey through life.

What Does Kim Believe?

What I Believe

I believe God is the substance all things are made from.  I believe, in the beginning, nothing existed except God so, if He wanted to create something, he had nothing to make it with apart from himself.

I believe He took a piece of his body, shaped it, gave it cells from His brain or heart that it might become sentient and that is the way He made us.  I believe non-sentient things did not get a piece of His brain or heart but are still made from His body.

This is similar to parenthood.  My children are made from a piece of me, my egg, and I feel whatever is done to them.  It hurts me to see them hurt and I am happy when they are happy but my connection to them is psychological because my egg does not remain physically connected to my body once I have given birth.

God remains physically connected to every single piece of Himself so what we do to those pieces we literally do to Him!  This is why He knows when a sparrow falls.  He knows because the sparrow is a part of Him.  If I hurt you I hurt Him, if I hurt me I hurt Him, if I hurt a spider or dog or tree I hurt Him!

This does not mean I believe I am God or anything remotely resembling that belief!  I am no more God than my finger or toe is me.  They are parts of me but they are not me and, like a finger or toe, I am a part of God but I am not God!

I believe Jesus is the personification of the sacrificial love God has for us and it is a love, a sacrifice, He makes many times a day.  When they tortured and killed Jesus they tortured and killed a piece of God.  Jesus was a sinless, blameless, innocent piece of God but when they torture and kill any person or living thing they torture and kill pieces of God!  They may make excuses or say it is justified and it may even BE justified but the pain God feels when they do it is the same pain He felt when they did it to the undeserving Christ.

When we torture ourselves we torture God.  When we choose death rather than give God back the piece of Him that we are made from we cause Him to become smaller and less complete than He was before He created us.  Each person who goes to hell will take a piece of God to hell with them.

That He is willing to suffer so much and lose so much of himself just so we can exist is the real measure of how much He loves us.  He didn't create us to suffer.  He created us because He is love and, without someone to give himself to, love could not be all it has the capacity to be.

Love first created the angels but, at that time, He had never felt loss or the sorrow that comes with it so the angels were not given the capacity to repent of their decision to rebel.  Rebellion creates a blockage between God's life force and the piece of Him that has rebelled.  Like a finger or toe when circulation is cut off, the rebellious angels died and dropped off the body of God, He lost them for all eternity.

I believe Jesus died to overcome this particular kind of death.  Unlike the angels, we don't have to drop off the body of God if circulation is blocked and we have died spiritually.  God sent Jesus, and Jesus sacrificed himself, to overcome that type of death so now, any time someone repents in the name of Christ, their circulation can be restored and dead tissue will come back to life!

I believe we are classified as a little better than angels because of this ability to repent because only repentance can clear the blockage and allow circulation to be restored.  
None of us has to die and be lost.  We have a choice the rebelling angels did not have but we must make that choice before the time to choose is over.  On judgment day God will check circulation and any part of Him that has none will have to be severed and lost forever just like the fallen angels.  There is no room for death in heaven.  God can't take dead parts of Himself there no matter how much it hurts him to lose them.

It doesn't matter how ragged, torn, or dirty you have become during your journey through life.  It doesn't matter how blocked and dead you feel you are still a part of God and He wants you back!  

It is my prayer you will repent of your decision to live without God and you accept the sacrifice Christ made so the spiritual tissue that has died because of the loss of circulation can be restored to life.

I believe you won't be sorry if you do!