Believe Your Bank Balance

I’m currently fighting the desire to go gambling and I have come to the conclusion I must only have two brain cells! Not only that but I think one of them has gone out for the night and the other one has gone looking for it! There is no other explanation for why my head is so completely empty of brain cells right now!

I’m holding my own but I don’t seem to be gaining any ground and the battle has lasted for a couple of hours, on and off, so far.

It’s the first real struggle I have had during this attempt to give up gambling for good. I worked out how much I have lost in the past few months and realised I can’t afford to lose another cent. I have heaps of things I need to pay for over the coming months and I would have had enough money to pay for all of them if not for the gambling.

Now I have no savings left. It has not been a struggle to give up gambling over the past two weeks because I have been completely broke. I have no credit cards and I had no cash so even if I wanted to gamble there was no money to do it. There has been no money to do any of the things I usually do so the past week has been no fun at all. It was hand to mouth and I barely scraped through.

I saw my counsellor the other day and she expressed her worries that I might be at risk of going gambling again as soon as I got paid. I laughed her concerns off. I was certain the current state of my finances meant I would not even consider losing another cent even after I got paid but today was pay-day and here they are again. Those same tired old lies I keep telling myself are running through my mind again and I can’t believe I am thinking them!

“I can control it.”
“Fifty dollars won’t break me.”
“I absolutely WILL stop at fifty this time!”
“I’ve learned my lesson.”
“I won’t let it get away from me ever again.”
“Fifty dollars won’t hurt.”
“I’m entitled to a bit of fun.”
“I might win some of my savings back this time.”

These are the same thoughts that have repeatedly taken me out to gamble and caused the loss of all my savings! I have those thoughts to thank for the financially lean week I just went through! Those thoughts are the reason why I can’t get my car serviced, can’t move house, can’t do anything right now!

For about two years those thoughts have been causing me financial grief! WHEN am I going to stop believing the lies???

“I can control it.”

I have proven I can control it but only briefly and then it controls me again!

“Fifty dollars won’t break me.”

No but it hasn’t BEEN fifty dollars – it’s been FIVE THOUSAND in less than four MONTHS!!!

“I absolutely WILL stop at fifty this time!”

Wanna bet? Odds are against me! I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I was able to keep THAT resolution!

“I’ve learned my lesson.”

(Points at self and laughs bitterly) HA! Prove it! DON’T GO and THEN that will be true!

“I won’t let it get away from me ever again.”

Yes I will! I always DO! Stop LYING and accept the fact – once I start I don’t stop!

“Fifty dollars won’t hurt.”

Yes it will because I won’t stop at fifty!

“I’m entitled to a bit of fun.”

What fun? Remember last time? Remember the dozens and dozens of times it was exactly the same? All those times the greedy machines just kept taking your money without giving you so much as a free game.

Remember how angry you got during those sessions? How frustrating it was to want to smash the machine and not be able to? How about all the resentment? Was that fun? Resenting the machines, the venues, the people who won even a free game when you were getting nothing?

How about the best part of it all – all those gut-churning moments when you realised exactly how much you had thrown away and how hard it was going to make things for you – how much fun were those moments?

Was it fun having to live on toast the past few days? How much fun is it not being able to look at new places to live because you lost the money you could have used to move? How much are you enjoying driving a car with dodgy brakes?

WHAT FUN???? LOSING IS NOT FUN AND LOSING IS WHAT ALMOST ALWAYS HAPPENS!!!

“I might win some of my savings back this time.”

Oh sure and how many times has that actually happened? Look at your current bank account balance for the true answer to that question. It doesn’t matter how many times you had a win or how much those wins were – according to your bank balance you have not won!

Not EVER! Not one single cent!

Your bank balance is telling the truth – you have never won and you never will!

OK that last sentence is really stinging me with its accuracy. I think I have won the fight this time. The venues are still open for another five hours so I can’t be certain but I am going to keep fighting.

My psychologist suggested I create signs and pin them up all over my home. I think I will do that next – try to think up ones that will help me fight those thoughts. I have one in mind now.

“According to my bank I’ve NEVER won!”

Yep – that is working and working extremely well for me. Definitely worth pinning that up in the house for sure. I’m thinking it belongs on the back of the front door where I will see it before leaving the house.

Right – I’m off to create a sign.

Round one to me! I just won myself a minimum of fifty bucks!

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