I haven’t said much about what is happening with me in the areas I have used as categories for this blog so I may as well do a brief update on them even though, in many cases, there is nothing to report.
From The Internet
The only thing I can add to this category is the latest scams that have been coming to my email boxes. I’ll write more fully on that some other time.
Lessons From God
God wants me to give up smoking. I wrote an entry about that recently but, if I post it, I’ll have to acknowledge what is in it and I’m not ready to go public with that yet so that’s another one for later on. If you believe in prayer please pray for me!
There’s been no inspiration for writing anything to add to this category for some time. All I can say is I am glad I didn’t call it “People Skills” because mine have sunk to new lows lately.
I got pushed into taking the minutes for a meeting at work the other week and had to write the names of all those attending. I should have known every single name but I couldn’t recall more than one. Everyone else there was most offended with one person even going so far as to refuse to give me his name because he said I should know it.
I know all their names now but that was a red faced moment of the worst kind I can tell you.
Nothing to report here. The anti-depressants and counselling seem to have done the trick. I don’t feel depressed despite the fact that my life is actually quite depressing hehehe.
My diet has gone to hell. I weigh as much as I ever did or at least I think I do. Not in the mood to climb on the scales and check it out to be honest.
It sucks most of all when I have to attend family functions as I recently had to do when my brother got married. Everyone comes to these affairs armed with a camera and, if I had my way, taking photos of me would be illegal! I hate logging on to facebook to find relatives have posted yet another picture of me looking like an ugly old hag instead of the quite gorgeous creature I am in my imagination!
Part of me, the part that would like to take pride in my appearance, keeps resolving to lose weight but another part of me thinks the best idea would be to actually gain more.
That’s the part of me that is desperately afraid of ending up disabled or in a home for people with dementia. That part of me thinks the best thing I can do is keep smoking heavily, add as many kilos to my frame as I can, live an unhealthy and pray my heart gives out before mind or body disintegrates.
Told you my life was depressing hehehe.
My Gambling Problem
My gambling is sort of under control. I still play the pokies and I still lose more money than I should but not as much as I used to lose. I have cut the losses down by forcing myself to obey some rules.
Rule one is never play machines that cost more than five cents a line and never play more than five lines on those machines.
Actually, that’s the only rule I have been able to stick to. I have others – set a limit to how long I will play for and how much I will lose, leave my money and cards at home so I can’t lose more than the set amount, don’t play more than once a week and so on. I have broken all of those but I have managed to keep to the five cent, five line maximum and that alone has halved my gambling losses.
The main issue with my health at the moment is the healing of my broken ankle. It has been 19 weeks, one day, five hours and six minutes (I’m bored so I went and looked it up – did I mention my life is depressing?) since I fell and broke my ankle in three places.
It took six days for the swelling to go down enough for them to operate on it. Six weeks and three days after surgery I was told I could start putting weight on it but I had to continue to wear the boot for another four weeks after that. I also had to see a physiotherapist every week and do the exercises he gave me.
I missed my last session with the physiotherapist thanks to the aforementioned family function but he had already reduced the sessions from weekly to fortnightly. At the last one he said he was happy with the return of strength and flexibility and all I needed to do was shake off the pain and gain more strength.
The final goals he wanted me to achieve before being allowed to quit therapy was be able to stand on the injured leg without any help from the uninjured leg for ten seconds and be able to stand on tip-toe, using just the injured leg, ten times in a row.
I can stand on the injured leg for ten seconds quite easily now and I have gained enough strength to get up on its toes ten times in a row provided I lean on something for support so I think, provided I keep working on it and don’t stop until I can do it without leaning on anything, I can probably stop seeing him now.
There was very little pain involved until I began using the ankle again. As soon as I started putting weight on it the swelling and pain began and the more I did the exercises he set me the worse the pain got. At my last session the pain was at its worst and the therapist said it was my flesh protesting the presence of the steel plate. He said I might always have some sensitivity in that area but it seems to be coming good now.
The ankle swelled up on the eight hour drive interstate to attend my brothers wedding and played up the whole of the five days I was away but I kept the pain under control with anti-inflammatory pain killers and rested the ankle for two days when I got home.
It seems to have done it the world of good because I haven’t had to use pain killers once in the week since I got home and I am a hairs breadth away from being able to walk normally.
All that remains is a sensation like you would get if something was tied a bit too tightly around the point where the leg meets the foot and some tenderness when walking.
The physiotherapist said it can take up to six months before a broken ankle reaches a point where it begins to feel more like normal but mine has begun to feel that way over the past couple of days.
I’m expecting to have nothing left of the experience, apart from the scars on either side of my ankle and a caution that reaches paranoid proportions when walking in the area where I fell, by the end of another few weeks.
When I broke the ankle people came out of the woodwork to tell me I would suffer for the rest of my life with twinges, aches, pain and so on but I suspect those people did not attend physiotherapy and their broken bones healed but their ligaments, muscles and so forth did not recover properly.
I almost didn’t bother attending physiotherapy to begin with and only the relief I got from his massages kept me returning after the first session but, looking back, I am positive I would not have healed as well as I have if I had not gone.
Some of the noises and sensations were frightening and would have put me off making full use of the ankle if not for the therapist telling me they were nothing to be afraid of.
The pain sends a strong message to the brain that all is not well and the mind responds to that with urgent commands to cease doing what you are doing. Only the orders of the therapist to persist kept me doing the exercises and only the exercises strengthened and loosened the ankle so it could get back to normal.
Do not, if you ever break a bone, skip any physiotherapy you are told to do!
My Online Game Addiction
I have deserted all my other internet games and now only play the ones I found in Facebook but I’m getting sick of those too as it seems more like work than fun lately.
The other week I downloaded a game called “Second Life” and created an account but it all looks horribly complicated and a major security risk to my computer.
I have managed to get my avatar looking good and some kind soul gave me some money so it hasn’t turned out to be the cesspit of idiots and creeps I was afraid it might be.
Met up with a married couple the other day who have just begun playing but, already, it’s clear to me the husband intends to use the game to play out his fantasies of having a harem.
They have collected three friends, all female, and bought land to bring their friends to. The husband has already rented out a spare plot of land to one of the female friends and he has found and learned to use something called a “Sex HUD” which I gather will enable him to have virtual sex. He is sleazy but not unbearably so.
The wife seems to be going along with it all and they say the rule is anything goes in the game but don’t bring it into real life. The husband has already told me he would have invited me to their real life house for a meal if I didn’t live so far away.
I suspect he is looking to have an affair and, if he gets a chance to do it in real life, he will but will settle for an online one in the meantime.
I was a bit jealous they rented the spare land to someone else so fast. I had thought of offering to rent it myself when they showed it to me yesterday but, on reflection, I suspect he will put pressure on whoever rents it to engage with him sexually so it’s probably best I didn’t say anything.
I’m persevering in trying to learn how to do stuff in the game because I am wondering if I get, in the game, all the things I want that I can’t have in real life would it make me happy.
In real life there is so much I can’t have – youth, long hair, aqua coloured eyes, full lips, a shapely body, my own home and so on. I can have all those things and more in this online world and I think it’s worth seeing if I would enjoy that.
I haven’t made up my mind how I feel about the game yet though so, to all intents and purposes, I have no online game addictions right now.
All that comes to mind is Barak Obama winning the presidency. I think he owes it to Bill Cosby hehehe. Bill Cosby was the first black man to win the hearts of everyone who ever saw his shows or heard his records. Everyone with any taste wants Bill Cosby in their lives and I think he broke down a lot of barriers for his race just by being such a nice, warm, funny, thoroughly lovable person.
I have two adult (ages 28 and 32) children and on the recent family occasion someone commented they act more like friends than brother and sister.
I am very proud of that because they are friends and I know they will always have each other to turn to no matter what challenges life throws at them.
They turned out good and I am enjoying living with them as joint tenants in our shared rental house.
This seems to be a growth industry which, when I was studying, was predicted to happen. Depression, mental health illnesses and suicide are on the increase and it doesn’t surprise me. People have nothing to hold onto when life gets tough any more and they see no reason to go on when everything falls apart on them.
I saw a news item the other day where someone said a lot of the problem is that people are suffering from spiritual starvation. They have a massive empty place inside that, in ages past, used to be occupied by God.
Now there is nothing and people find that hard to live with. I know I couldn’t go on living if I didn’t have my faith in God so it doesn’t surprise me to learn others are struggling to cope with having nothing to believe in.
I’m rarely in the mood to rant these days. Mostly because there seems to be no point but also because I keep myself fairly well insulated from rant-provoking things hehehe.
This month I celebrate, if that is the right word, my twelfth year of celibacy! It has now been 12 years since anyone has touched me sexually and 10 years since my last romantic contact, a sensual kiss on the cheek, happened.
It was difficult, at first, to adjust. Like most people I used to crave physical contact but, over the years, the cravings faded to a point where I experience them only about once or twice a year now.
I’m OK with how things are but, now and then, I get bored and wish there was some excitement in my life. Someone to make my heart leap and my pulse race. I don’t do anything to try and find that someone though because I know relationships require at least a bit of work and I am lazy.
The closest I have come to romance lately, therefore, was last night in the online game, “Second Life”, when a virtual real estate salesman was so taken with me he kissed my virtual hand and gave me a virtual wedding dress he said he created himself. He told me I’m the first woman who has ever worn it and I felt quite flattered.
I was actually quite attracted to him because his Avatar (the computer image that represents him) had all the things I like in a man in real life such as long hair hehehe.
I’m not a novice though. I know he is not who he seems to be and is most likely someone I would not be attracted to in real life.
It was a nice encounter though and no harm done. I know the pitfalls of online interaction so I won’t be crossing any lines online that I wouldn’t cross in real life.
Soapbox – Online Relationships
The only thing that comes to mind here is the married couple I mentioned above. He is busily collecting a harem of women and I have no doubt he fully intends to indulge in as much online sex as he can.
His wife seems to be doing her best to co-operate with his wishes and introduces him to any women she meets. I suspect she thinks it’s better for him to do this than risk having him do something in real life.
Here’s where the soapbox comes in… please make no mistake about this… Online behaviour IS real life!
The psychological connections people make with others online can be every bit as deep, even more so, as those they make in real life.
In real life people can be put off by how someone looks so they don’t hook up with the lovely personality underneath but, online, there is no barrier to letting someone see who you really are.
People go online and expose aspects of themselves they would never reveal to someone in real life so, in a sense, the person they are online can be more real than the person they act out in real life.
This means the connection they make with their online lover can become deeper and more personal than the one they have with their real life partner!
An online lover can be a lot more understanding, supportive, attentive and attractive than any real life partner as many a husband and wife has discovered.
In real life you don’t have the time it takes to write what you want to say to rethink whether what you are about to say is going to be hurtful for example. An online partner has safeguards in place to prevent them from accidentally or unthinkingly hurting their online lover. Real life partners don’t have that advantage and they can seem far more insensitive or hurtful because of it.
People have broken up with real life partners, deserted families, flown across the world, married or even broken the law to be with lovers they have met online!
If someone wants to cheat online it is not an isolated thing that has no bearing on real life! You have to want to have sex with someone other than your partner in real life before you are going to be able to want to do it online!
What people don’t realise is that online sex can be every bit as addicting and disruptive to relationships as the real thing.
If someone finds a suitable partner online their partner can find himself or herself deserted in real life in more ways than one.
The other person may succumb to the temptation to meet up with their fantasy partner in real life and start a real life affair or they may take to spending every spare real life minute online with them leaving their real life partner wondering how unreal this online relationship actually is.
Either way the real life relationship will suffer.
There are many people in the world today who wish they had not taken the destructive capabilities of internet romances lightly.
I sincerely hope the above mentioned couple, or rather their three small children, won’t join their ranks!
Given that I am doing so little of this these days it seems there is not much to say in this category either.
I think, when I post this entry, I should make sure I don’t tick the boxes for some of these categories in case I annoy anyone by making them think I have written a genuine entry in a category of interest to them.