I hope everyone had a great Christmas and that 2009 will be your best year ever. It’s shaping up to be a good one for me.
I’ve started numerous blog entries but I’m still struggling to complete them and I think it’s got something to do with being cured of the depression and anxiety.
A few things have happened and, before being cured, they would have been major events in my life. Disasters worthy of several hundred words of angst and soul searching.
I disobeyed the rules at work and accessed Facebook via a proxy server in November for instance. I was caught and reprimanded. I apologised and promised not to do it again. I did do some soul searching but I can’t be bothered detailing it because the main conclusion is quite simple really.
It was a stupid thing to do and it won’t happen again.
I’ve lapsed and lost more money than I could afford on the pokies a few times lately but, again, the conclusion is simple.
It is a stupid thing to do and I will keep trying to ensure it does not happen again.
The bill for the car accident came just in time to clean me out for Christmas. I got a discount in return for paying it all this pay so it’s over and done with now. Conclusion? Drive more carefully in future!
Things are just not staying with me long enough to create lengthy, anguished, detailed blog entries these days.
Don’t get me wrong. Events like these still trigger anxiety and depressive thoughts but I suspect that is natural. It’s normal to consider whether you will be sacked for breaking the rules at work for example.
It’s not normal to dwell on it for hours and hours and convince yourself you will definitely be sacked then start stressing over how you are going to cope once it happens. It’s not normal to start panicking over how being sacked will make you feel rejected and inadequate. It’s not normal to quit your job to prevent them from sacking you so you can avoid feeling rejected and inadequate.
I considered the possibility of being sacked just like I would have done when I was suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD but I also considered other things which I would not have thought of when I was ill.
I considered the three years I have worked for the company without breaking any rules. I considered company policy and the fact I was warned via email not handed my notice or called in for a meeting.
It’s a new world for me now. It is not the harsh, unforgiving, judgemental, critical, unsafe world of my childhood any more. In this grown up world people, including me, are allowed to be human.
I’m allowed to make a mistake provided I recognise it was a mistake and commit to not making it again.
I’m allowed to be imperfect and that means I don’t have to anguish over every mistake I make or live with constant anxiety over when I will make the next one and which mistake will result in the end of my world.
It isn’t that I have dropped my standards or am expecting less of myself although I am free to do both if I wish.
It’s more that the punishment for failing to meet those standards and expectations is no longer death by hanging.
I no longer get bogged in muck when I fall. Anxiety and depression used to be like quicksand under my feet whenever anything happened and I would be dragged down and kept there. Now it’s different. I fall down, I feel the pain, I get up and I move on.
I get half way through a blog entry detailing the pain and then I realise it doesn’t hurt any more so I lose interest in talking about it. It’s over so why bother?
I’m enjoying life a lot more but it sure makes keeping a blog more difficult.
Woo Hoo! I did it! I finished an entry!
A bit late for “Merry Christmas” but in plenty of time for “Happy New Year”.