It has been a while since I have updated because I can’t think of anything to say that feels worth the time it would take to write.
My life is fairly uneventful lately apart from the normal ups and downs that go with being alive.
I’ve lost weight on the diet but not as much as I could have, I’ve lost money gambling but not as much as I used to lose, my car works but not as well as it should do and work is fine but I still worry that something will go wrong.
I still don’t let go of the past, don’t appreciate the present and worry too much about the future. Nothing new there.
My mind is the captain of an aging boat called my body. I am on a journey that has lasted almost 52 years so far which is why the boat is getting so decrepit. I’m sailing down a slow moving river called time and it is taking me to the edge of the world. When I get there I will fall off and plummet into eternity.
Sometimes the river has not been as slow moving or tranquil as it is these days and the weather was not always as nice as it has been lately either. I have encountered storms savage enough to sink me but I’ve always managed to plug the leaks and stay afloat.
I’m not sure why, at times, and the thing that plagues me most these days is the futility of my existence.
I spend my days watching TV and playing on the computer. I watch a lot of TV since my son had cable installed. I watch ER, Criminal Minds, NCIS, American Chopper, The Mentalist, Bones, Star Trek Voyager and Judging Amy to name a few.
I cried my eyes out yesterday when Amy’s mother lost her fiancee and again today when Bones had to deal with a dog fight ring.
I hate this world!
No, that’s not true, I hate what goes on in this world. I hate the ugliness and evil that exists yet I don’t do a damn thing to make it any better.
In my work I try to help people but I don’t feel as if I actually do manage to make any difference so that doesn’t count.
I waste money on cigarettes, diet coke and gambling that could be saving lives. That would make a difference but I don’t do it because I am selfish and greedy and I tell myself if I save those lives all that will happen is they will give birth to children who will also need saving. Sooner or later the funds will run dry and, instead of one person starving to death, a dozen descendants will starve.
Nice excuse but I suspect it’s way too tidy to be true.
Every day I ask God to make me into the person he created me to be but every day I wake up the same self-centered person I was the day before.
I cried with Amy’s mum over the loss of a love that had only just begun. I cried with Bones over the death of a dog that had done nothing wrong except obey the command of an evil man. I cried because Abby tried to rescue a battered wife and got punched in the face for her troubles.
I cried because the world is such a sad and ugly place to be and I don’t want to be here.
I don’t want to breathe the same air as people who file the teeth of dogs so they can inflict more pain and damage on each other when they fight.
I don’t want to walk the same earth as people who enjoy the pain of other living things.
I don’t want to be here. It’s too hard, too ugly, too overwhelming and I don’t have it in me to do anything to make it better.
The only thing that could make it bearable is love and, like Amy’s mum, I don’t have that. I will never have that and, without it, I don’t want to be here.
This is why it has been so hard to write an update. I have nothing to say worth reading!
I’m a Christian. I’m supposed to be filled with joy and hope. I’m supposed to make people want what I have when they see how happy I am and here I am – the original wet blanket – Madame Depression in person.
If I was God I wouldn’t bother with me!
If I was God I would end this world right now and I would make sure all dog fight organizers spent eternity in a dog ring suffering all the things those dogs suffered at their hands!
If I was God I would be vicious so let us all pray right now and give God thanks that I am NOT God hehehe.