The nap I took before getting ready to go out and get myself laid on Saturday night turned into a deep sleep and I woke up too late to go anywhere.
My son borrowed my car and went to get DVD’s while I was asleep so I watched them with him instead.
I wasn’t too upset about the change of plans as I’ve had a lot of one night stands in my lifetime. If memory serves me right most of them were not worth the time it took to get undressed so I was not sure going back for more mediocre sex was such a good idea anyway.
Things took a turn for the worse, however, when my daughter arrived home from work and said my car had rolled down the hill and was lodged against the centre road barrier.
More dents and scratches and more things to worry about.
My son swears he put the handbrake on which, if true, means someone broke into the car and took it off. Did someone try to steal my beat up old heap? Or did someone just want to see it crash?
Depression struck again.
I sat outside having a smoke with hunger pangs gnawing at my belly and anxiety gnawing at my brain.
I can’t afford to insure the old heap and I can’t afford to replace it either. If it is stolen or trashed I will have to walk, get a lift from my kids, take public transport or hire cabs.
The whole “why me” thing ran through my mind along with all the old depressive thoughts about how pointless my life is and how much I wish I could be as lucky as my grandfather and die in my sleep of a heart attack before I turn 55.
I ate my diet breakfast before climbing into bed. I felt like my life was over already with nothing to look forward to but more of the same old crap. I asked God why he gave me life at all when all I have done with it is wish it was over.
“It’s been almost 52 years God,” I said tiredly, “and I have done nothing. I gave birth to two children but even that was more for my benefit than theirs. I gave them shitty genes that cause them to suffer allergies and other health problems. I did my kids no favours at all bringing them into this world. I simply passed the burden of life on to them!”
I sighed before continuing to point out how useless my life is.
“I’ll never finish the book I’m writing and even if I do nobody will ever want to read it so the writing talent I am supposed to have is producing nothing worthwhile.
Hardly anyone visits the website and, with entries like the last one, that’s probably just as well. Chances are I’m doing more harm than good by letting people know I am a believer anyway!”
I was getting into the swing of self-denigration by then so I went on pointing out what a waste of time my life has been in all ways before summing things up.
“All I am, all I will ever be, is a parasite sucking up the earths resources for no good reason and I’m tired of it.”
I sighed a lot but I didn’t cry so I guess that means I’m not as depressed as I used to be. I snuggled down under the blankets when I was finished talking to God. I’ve said the same things a million times before so I was not expecting Him to answer.
“A single grain of salt can’t add flavour to a meal and a single Christian can’t always add flavour to the world.” God said.
“You are no Mother Theresa but the world would be a poorer place without you all the same. Your efforts to be a good person, together with the efforts of others like the woman who dobbed you in, make the world a nicer place to be.
You don’t have to do great things to be worthwhile in my eyes. You just have to be you. I knew you before you were even conceived. I wanted you to exist then and I haven’t changed my mind.
Don’t think about tomorrow,” He said gently, “think about today. Think about right now. How are things right now?”
I did as he asked and thought about that moment in my life and it was really not that bad. I had food in my belly, a good job, a roof over my head, two loving children, a warm bed and some good music playing.
“Right now life is good,” I acknowledged, “my car is OK, my current bills are paid, I’m healthy, my bed is warm and I love this music.”
“Then enjoy it.” God said. “Don’t spoil today by fretting over what is past or worrying about what is to come. You are here, you are meant to be here and you are loved so snuggle down and sleep easy.”
I let go of the depressive thoughts and slept easy wrapped up in the love of God.