Wins And Losses

I lost another hundred dollars on the slot machines the other night.  It’s not as much as I used to lose each time I played but it’s more than I have been losing over the past few months so it looks like I am starting to lose my grip on the gambling addiction.

Again!

I’m seriously considering moving to Western Australia as it is the only state that does not have the machines on every corner!  They keep them confined to the casino there and I wish it was the same here!

My kids and I have been looking for a house to share in the hopes pooling our money will get us a nicer rental property than either of us can afford on our own but I’m having second thoughts.

The old dreams and goals seem to be coming back to life in me.  I want my own home.  I want somewhere to belong, somewhere to put down my roots, some place to call home.

I want somewhere to plant my heart because home is where the heart is and my heart is homeless.

I can’t plant it in a rental property because rental homes don’t belong to tenants.  I’ve given up hoping I will find a man to plant my heart in so that just leaves buying a house.

I can’t afford a house in any of the cities so I have been looking all around Australia.  Again.  It’s just been a half-hearted search because I am still resisting the idea of going back into debt at the moment but, if the right place came up and it was possible, I think I would go for it.

There’s a promotion available at work again and I am thinking about going for that too.  I haven’t felt strong enough to cope with the extra responsibility until now but I think I have finally recovered from the trauma that stripped me of my home, business, strength and hope a couple of years ago.

The position of supervisor is the next logical step for me to take career-wise and I have no doubt I could do the job.  It’s just been a case of whether I felt strong enough to cope with the extra stress and now I do.

Last night, however, I realised maybe I should wait a little while longer.

The company has introduced call recording for quality assurance purposes and I listened to my second call last night.  It was with a regular caller who really does not fit the customer profile for the line.  The usual strategy for such callers is to refer them to a line whose customer profile they do match.

Callers who persist in calling the line despite not matching the criteria often end up as case managed callers and this caller is one of those.  The case management plan, however, is still being drawn up so calls with this caller tend to be aimless and really not suitable for the line.

So there I was, listening to this call and fully aware of all the “mistakes” I was making, feeling annoyed and frustrated because I just know I will be criticised for those “mistakes” despite the fact the work I was doing with the caller was extremely good from another perspective.

The supervisor engaged me in a bit of a chat about the feelings I was experiencing afterwards and said I should email the person who is going to review the call and explain why I made the “mistakes”.

My immediate reaction was “Why bother? It won’t make any difference and I will just look like I am making excuses.”  The supervisor said it’s important to “set the scene” for the reviewers so they can judge the call accurately and fairly.

I didn’t send the email.  I shut up shop emotionally.  I closed the doors and windows and braced myself for the storm.  It’s what I have always done – taken it on the chin and suffered in silence.

In the world of my childhood that was the only way to avoid having the storm get worse.  I’m not good at speaking up or arguing my case.  I have very little experience at doing it.

This workplace, however, has been a very nurturing one and has been encouraging me to leave the place of my childhood and learn to take care of myself better.

They have told me to take sick-leave if I am sick, to ask for their support if I need it, to accept imperfection in myself because they don’t expect perfection.

Working for this company has been awesome.  Their support has been a major healing influence on me and has allowed me to do some very important emotional work.

Last night I saw there is still a bit of work to do before I take on a supervisory position.  I need to leave my childhood fears of authority behind me.  I need to stop expecting authority figures to abuse me and stop believing I am powerless to do anything about it if they do as well.

I am in the best possible place to make those changes so onwards and upwards.  The change has occurred in my head – I know I can speak up.  All I have to do is move that knowledge down deeper so I can actually do it without fearing I will only make things worse.

Life is a never ending stream of wins and losses and, whilst I may be losing money on those cursed slot machines, I’m winning in so many other ways!