It’s day six of my new diet and all seems to be going well so far though I have no scales so I don’t know if I have lost any weight at all. I’m sure my elbows are thinner though hehe
The other night I went to bed and, as I do regularly, I prayed for forgiveness for all the sins I have committed since I last prayed.
It has been a while since I opened my mind to hear from the Lord as I fear what he will say to me. I’m not ready to give up smoking yet and I fear he will ask me to do that so I shy away from talking to him and just content myself with asking forgiveness.
This time I decided I should give him the chance to speak to me so, after asking forgiveness, I opened my mind and listened. I felt an urge to pray in tongues so I opened my mouth and let the gibberish come forth.
Afterwards I lay silent and open to hearing from God and, as always, He spoke.
“I have missed you,” he said, “you are my child and I am pleased with you so why do you avoid talking to me?”
“Guilt.” I said, “I know there is so much more I should be doing and so much I should stop doing so I feel unworthy of your love.”
“You are unworthy of my love,” he said fondly, “everyone is but it makes no difference to me. I know you so well. I know what you can and can’t do. I wish you would not let your sins keep you away from me. That is worse than the sins themselves in a way.”
“I’m sorry.” I said.
“You fear I am going to ask you to give up smoking and you are right about that. I do want you to stop but I understand you are not yet ready. There is something else I want you to do for now though and it is important.”
“What is it?” I asked reluctantly.
“I know you are ready to leave this world,” he said sadly, “I know you don’t like the way it is or the things that are going on but I need you here. There are things only you can do and I need you to do them before you come home to me.”
“What things?” I asked.
“That is not important right now,” he said, “what is important is keeping you alive to do them. You have spent so many years longing for death that you have been calling it to you. You have spent so many years abusing your body with bad food, nicotine and soft drinks that things are getting serious.”
I was not surprised to hear God was focusing on my health. It was just as I expected – he WAS going to ask me to give up smoking. I sighed and braced myself.
“I healed your lungs so your attention would be brought to your heart,” he said, “that is where the real danger lies. You have pushed it to its limit and it is very fragile now. I need you to take care of it.”
“So you do want me to give up smoking.” I said unhappily.
“Yes,” He said “but as I told you, I know you are not ready to do that yet. What I need you to do right now is stay on this diet and TRY to cut down on the diet coke. The caffeine is stressing your heart! I am doing my best to cut you down – that is why you feel so ill sometimes. When you go overboard and drink too much in too short a time I’ve arranged for you to get nauseated so you will stop but it is not enough. I need you to realise how close you are to a heart attack and take this seriously. I need you to lose the weight and commit yourself to trying to cut back on the coke!”
I considered what he was saying. My maternal grandfather died in his sleep of a heart attack when he was about my age. I have been experiencing palpitations and odd pains in the heart region lately and then there was the machine.
At work we have an exercise bike. It has a heart rate monitor in it and tells you your heart rate when you grip the handles. The other night I sat on the bike and gripped the handles. I was not doing anything else but the heart monitor showed a heart rate of 120 beats per minute.
I told one of my co-workers and she looked concerned. “That’s way too high,” she said, “it’s supposed to be around 70 I think!”
I laughed and got off the machine thinking it was faulty. I forgot about it immediately but now it didn’t seem such an unimportant thing after all.
A heart attack would be a quick and easy way to leave this world, I thought, and I am ready to leave. I have been ready to leave from the day I got here almost. It seemed like the answer to my prayers but those were prayers I used to pray. I don’t pray them any more.
“I need you here.” God said firmly. “There are things only you can do and I need you to do them before you die.”
I sighed and resigned myself to being here a while longer.
“What do I have to do?” I asked God.
“For now,” he said, “just stay on the diet. I made your heart as strong as I could because I knew you would abuse it. Losing the weight will ease the stress on it but you need to cut down on the diet coke too. Four to six litres a day is too much. Try and cut it back to just two or as close to that as you can. Drink water to dilute it too if you can.”
“Anything else?” I asked and waited for him to ask me to cut back on the cigarettes as well.
“Just stop the automatic refilling of your glass,” he said, “think before you get another drink each time. That will help and write a blog entry about this.
Tell my children not to let their sins, their guilt, keep them from talking to me. Tell them I miss them too.”