Find The One Who Makes Your Heart Smile
All Posts,  My Depression,  My Gambling Problem,  My Online Game Addiction,  Relationships


The phone rang today and woke me up.  It rang just twice then they hung up.  I thought it was my daughter but I asked her and it wasn’t so then I thought it might be my unrequited love but, of course, it wouldn’t be.

I played the online game today but I was bored and tired so I went back to bed.  When I woke up I thought I had forgotten a friends birthday but I hadn’t.  It’s next month.  I called her anyway and then I called my mother.  I went back online and let the timer work in the game while I talked on the phone.

I put the phone on the floor after using it today and went back to playing the online game.  Every time I got up to do something else I trod on the phone.  Every time I stood on it I told myself to pick it up and put it away but I didn’t and now the zero key won’t work.

I coughed today.  I cough every day.  Each time I wake I am usually drenched in sweat and coughing.  I think I am sick but I can’t be bothered going to the doctor.  She will only tell me to stop smoking and I don’t want to do that.

I went gambling tonight.  I wasn’t going to but, as I sat at the computer watching the timer counting away the seconds of my life, I got restless.  I went gambling for something to do.

I won tonight.  Two little jackpots one after the other but I didn’t smile and I didn’t care.  I don’t really want money.  I want him.

The wheels on the slot machines turned and I watched but I wasn’t seeing them.  I was seeing his face as it looks now.  As it looks on the My Tube clips I found.

When the machine paid out all I could think of was how much I would rather see him walking towards me.  When it paid out again I wished I could trade all the jackpots in the world for some time with him.

When gambling failed to take my mind off him I gave up and came home with 50 dollars more than I started with.

I’m back on the computer playing the game again but I’m not watching the timer right now.  I’m writing this and feeling my heart ache in my chest.

It has been almost exactly ten years now since I boarded a plane and flew away from my marriage.  It has been more than ten years since I last felt a mans arms around me.

All these years I have told myself I would rather have nothing than something bad or something that would be no good for me.

Now I know that just isn’t true.  I would rather have him no matter what it costs and no matter what the consequences might be.  Nothing could be worse than being without his smile and never knowing the feel of his arms around me or the touch of his lips on mine.

My chest hurts.  It could be from the cough but I think it’s from unrequited love.  Worst of all is the fact there is nothing I can do to make this better for myself.

All I can do is go watch the game, and my life, tick slowly away one second at a time until today is gone and it’s time to watch tomorrow tick away too.


  • globalguy

    Hey there Kim,

    Came accross your wonderful blog yesterday, and just wanted to say a big thank you for sharing so open and elloquently.

    I too am a recovering slot junkie and have lost about $250,000, mainly to the “crack cocaine” of gambling, the Austrailian Aristocrat muliline pokie machines which I understand are an epidemic over there.

    Whilst not as acute as it once was, your postings were are potent reminder of days gone by.

    Even as a young man I realised I had a problem and starting attending GA after having spent my teenage years at an excellent school spending way too much time on the machines.

    GA ‘worked’ and I stopped for several years, but I was seduced back when I moved to Germany and came accross the pokies for the first time. I was earning good money at the time at would sometimes spend $3000 in one session.

    Now I have a family, on the rare occation that I do gamble I remind myself that these are my son’s school fees I am gambling with and I soon stop!

    We have a convention in Las Vegas every year and I used to love going and now I hate it since it always brings out the ‘devil’ in me.

    For whilst gambling there, I more often than not take the casinos up on their offer of free cocktails and chain-smoke profusely – two other habits I am struggling with.

    Oh, and then there’s the pornography and the dope. Quite a potent cocktail!

    My Mum was living proof that no matter how bad things get, you can always turn things around and be happy.

    Unfortunalely she died 3 weeks ago aged only 62 and she had never been happier. But at least she went out on a high and not a low 🙂

    And I am delighted to report that I have not been numbing the pain at the slots.

    But then there’s that darn convention coming up in Vegas…


  • Kim

    Hi GlobalGuy,

    Thank you for your comment and I am sorry to hear about your mother.

    It sounds like you have a lot of battles to fight in your life and I congratulate you on winning some of them.

    I will keep my fingers crossed for you that the convention passes without problems.

    The hardest battles we have in life, in my opinion, are the ones we have with ourselves!

    Cheers – Kim

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