Through Objective Eyes
I got the book I ordered. Picked it up yesterday. It was the parcel I was unable to collect last week. I had assumed the parcel was junk when the lady from the post office did not call me, as promised, to tell me the postie had brought it back and it was ready to be collected. She said she tried calling me but the public holiday and my work commitments meant I was not home when she called.
The book is called “Surviving Aggressive People” and was written by Shawn T. Smith.
I picked it up in the morning and finished reading it that afternoon. It gave me a clue as to why abusive people seem to think they can take liberties with me.
One of the first useful things I learned in my drive to protect myself from being molested again as an adult was never, under any circumstances, catch a man’s eye or he will assume you are giving him the come-on.
The next thing I learned was, as a professional person, you must look people in the eye or they will think you are shifty and not to be trusted.
I wove the two conflicting pieces of information together. In business settings I look people in the eye. If I am out socially, particularly if I am on my own, I go to extreme lengths to avoid looking men in the eye to ensure they know I am not trying to pick them up.
During the time I was hanging out in the bar where the man I fancied worked this not only failed to make men leave me alone – it seemed to draw the worst sort of men to me! Some of them went to extreme lengths to try and force me to look at them.
One man took to invading my personal space and touching me all evening. No matter how many times I moved away from him or where I went he followed me. He did this every week and seemed to really enjoy forcing me to leave a good table or good position. I was absolutely determined I would not look at him and he was just as determined to try and make me. I complained about him one night to my son who went up to the man and told him to leave me alone. The man told my son he thought I was enjoying his attentions.
According to this book he was interpreting my failure to look him in the eye as submissiveness. He acted as if he was playing a game with me and I guess he thought as long as I did not say anything to stop him I must be having as much fun being tormented as he was having tormenting me.
I found the book quite useful in clarifying aggression and the tips on how to avoid it or deal with it were good. One of the tips was a subject I have preached about here a couple of times – manners! Good manners DOES reduce your chances of becoming the object of someone else’s aggression.
On the overnight shift last night I was telling a co-worker about the book and I went to the author’s website to show her. While I was there I read the latest letter he had received together with his answer to it. In his answer I felt as if he had taken a bit of a pot-shot at me.
The question was about delusions and he answered that: “People tend to base their delusional systems on the world around them, and that’s why most are fairly mundane. Here are some of the more common flavors:
* Delusional jealousy over a partner’s fidelity
* The mistaken belief of being romantically pursued
* The grandiose delusion of special powers
* The belief that one’s feelings, impulses, and actions are under the influence of someone else
* The belief that mundane occurrences have special significance (for example, imbuing radio commercials with special, personal meaning)
* Persecutory delusions of being attacked or conspired against
* Belief in a special relationship with God or someone important”
I’m quite prepared to admit he probably was not even thinking about me when he wrote that and, in all probability, he has never read a single word I have written but there it was. A common delusion is the belief you have a special relationship with God or someone important. One simple sentence that could cause anyone going from my site to his to question my sanity and the sanity of anyone who believes they have a personal relationship with God!
I sat back. I have linked to this site in a previous post. He gave information about father’s being attracted to their daughters that I felt was spot on. His information contradicted beliefs I have had for many years but, instinctively, I knew he was right and I was wrong. I have written an entry stating that he knows more than me in at least this one area and that will encourage people to view him as more trustworthy than me.
I read his other letters and the answers he gave. He does it right. He always gives references that back what he says. I can’t FIND references to back what I say. Not without resorting to bible quotations and even then I might be hard pressed to find exact back-up. When I started this site I intended to do exactly what he does – supply references to back up what I say. When that proved too time-consuming and difficult I went off the idea.
He is professional but not pompously so. I like his sense of humour too. His site really DOES reek of professionalism and trustworthiness. It is such a huge contrast to mine with it’s focus on my opinions.
To make matters worse, I have been writing a project for work and it has required me to revisit the laws, regulations and ethics that apply to my profession.
There is no way out of it – I am sailing far too close to the wind on this site to be able to claim I am an entirely credible source of information.
That leaves me with a couple of main options. I can pull myself in line and prune this site of all that cannot be backed up with credible, responsible, scientific or religious “second opinions”.
Or I can go with my instincts. My instincts are telling me that God wants me to be myself on this site and tell it like it is for me. My instincts are telling me that there are a lot of people out in this world who need to hear there is a God and he does get involved with his children on a personal level. My instincts are telling me this site, as it is, has the potential to help people. Maybe only one – maybe a hundred – I have no idea nor do I care. God sent his son to die for millions of souls but he would have sent him to die for just one too. My instincts are telling me I would be letting God down if I back off because some people will think I am insane.
In his book the author encourages people to listen to their instincts. He accords instinct an almost mystical power. He thinks instinct is so good it can warn you of dangers it has absolutely no data to draw conclusions from. In his belief system instinct is so powerful, so omnipotent it can tell you not to enter a room in your own home because it senses an attacker is hiding in the room. Not only is instinct omnipotent, in his belief system, it is infallible. He advocates listening to your instincts, trusting them, believing them and doing exercises to improve your ability to have them.
I think there is a point at which instinct ceases and the voice of God begins but that is my belief (see Why Does God Let Bad Things Happen) not his.
So now I have added another link to his site. I feel anyone who reads the things I write has a right to know there are people in my own profession who might warn them not to put too much faith in what I say.
It’s entirely up to the reader. Look inside – what do your instincts say about what you read here? Are the words contained here on wordsbykim and the blog, In My Own Words, words of wisdom or words of witlessness?
If your instincts say God is real and I am not insane then, according to this other psychologist, that is the truth and you can trust it. If your instincts are telling you there is no God and I am nuts you might prefer to read him from now on. I am fine with whatever you decide.