Tre Writes,
well here goes
I want to stop being abusive to my girlfriend. I've tried to stop but there is something stopping me. I've been with her for 3 years now and it only started just before the beginning of our 2nd year together but it's just gotten worse.
I had been on the road to recovery and I went 5-6 months (recently) without a single thought of doing anything but I felt it creep back up in my mind one day unexpectedly and then it came out again.
Now I've been trying to stop, my girlfriend wants me to stop but a lot of the time her actions contradict that, that must be a very common line but I need to explain.
She has a habit of always raising her voice in simple conversations to an angry defensive tone when others are speaking calmly and that's how something simple usually turns into a argument and then escalates or sometimes she feels a need to keep important things in (ex: how she feels, what might of happened to her that might be on a need to know basis so on so forth) which eventually leads into a long line of lies that all end up foldin on her and seeming like it was all done on purpose then she replies with "I thought you would get mad so I didnt tell you" when in actuality it was something so simple made into something bigger.
She also lacks the ability to express her feelings and emotions in ways other than yelling and she keeps them bottled up and when she pops it always seems to be because I can't figure out what she's thinking and I get agitated that she expects me to know each and every last thing that's on her mind. Then it goes from calm covo to hectic argument in a matter of seconds.
I'm not trying to justify my actions and I can admit when I'm wrong and that I do need some serious help but she has to understand that I'm really trying/wanting to stop permanently and she needs to compromise a bit with me and try not to argue unneccessarily or purposely push buttons.
You wouldn't give a recovering alcholic liquor so why would any one put someone in the position to relapse if they are trying to get better?
With that said I have 2 different counsellors lined up next week 1 for myself and a relationship counsellor for the two of us. Is that a good idea?
I just want to be able to express to her that I'm willing and able to change but if she can't at least try to improve a little on her side then its doomed to be a cycle and I dont wanna be this person, thats not who I am.
If we both fail to realize any error in our ways and it stays one sided going back and forth then it won't work but I don't want her to feel I'm saying "hey its all her fault and she's the one that needs to change" I just wanna make it work but I can't ignore the obvious.
We both have to help each other stay in track with our goals.
Kim Says
Hi Tre and kudos to you for reaching out to get help. It takes a lot of strength to do that so well done. I think your decision to see two counsellors, one for yourself and one as a couple, is an excellent choice and I hope you stick with that choice and follow through.
You say you are not trying to justify your actions or put the blame for your behaviour on your girl and liken it to giving an alcoholic liquor so let's go with that example.
What alcoholic is going to ever stay sober if he can't say no when people offer him alcohol? Everywhere he goes he is going to run into temptation. Weddings, parties, dinner out with friends, going to a game, funerals, business lunches, BBQ's, Christmas office parties, and so on.
Alcohol is everywhere and so common people, even work bosses, give it as gifts. A huge part of recovering from alcoholism is learning how to manage such temptations and avoid lapsing.
I think I know what you mean though - why would someone who loves you and knows you are trying to quit drinking be offering you alcohol - right? Well, sad to say, some people do offer alcoholics a drink to see if they really have recovered and can be trusted again. Other people offer alcoholics a drink because they think the problem is theirs and it is up to them to solve it not depend on others to make it easy for them.
The thing is, you can't make changing yourself dependent on someone else changing too, it doesn't work.
To stay with your example - it's like saying you and your girl are both alcoholics and you can only give up alcohol if your girl gives it up too. The problem with that is people are only able to change if they have strong motivations of their own. If she doesn't want to stop drinking for her own reasons she won't be able to stop just to please you no matter how hard she tries.
If changing just to please others worked you would not still have a problem - right? You have already tried to change to please your girl and it isn't working.
The thing is, Tre, if you are like a recovering alcoholic with your anger management problem then your girlfriend is not like someone offering you alcohol - she is the equivalent of a bottle of liquor!
Asking her to stop tempting you into getting angry is like asking a bottle of alcohol to stop tempting you to drink!
As long as your focus is on what others can do to help you stop you will not be able to really control this behaviour. Even if your girl stopped doing all the things you say are triggering your anger she is only human. She will get upset now and then and lapse back into her own ways and then you will be at risk of lapsing back into yours.
You need to focus on overcoming the temptation so well nobody can push your buttons any more and counselling can help you do that.
The first step to becoming master of yourself is disconnecting the buttons people can push that make you behave in ways you don't want to.
Some people LIKE pushing other people's buttons!
Many a vicious ex-wife has been able to get her husband thrown in jail and cut off from his kids simply by pushing his anger buttons and letting the law punish him for his reactions. There are people out there who will push anger buttons in the hope the other person will take a swing at them so they can beat them to a pulp and claim the other person started it.
Some people in this world actually feel like a winner if they are able to force others to get angry. I work on a help line and we have regular callers whose only reason for calling is to make the counsellor who answers the call get angry! If they succeed they gleefully accuse the counsellor of being lousy at their job and hang up. You can hear them thinking "I win" as soon as you react with anything even remotely resembling anger!
I don't let them get to me because I know nobody can MAKE me angry without my permission. It is not what other people do or say that causes anger it is what you think about what they have done or said that triggers it. That is where the counselling can help.
Why do you get upset when people yell? What stops you from saying you don't want to talk to them when they are doing that and walking away? What makes you feel you have to argue about it and yell back or get angry yourself?
When you find the answers to those questions, and a counsellor can help you find those answers, you will find the key to disconnecting those buttons. If you work at it you may even find yourself not the slightest bit bothered by her yelling and laughing at her for expecting you to be able to read her mind.
The above mentioned callers tend to be the ones who end up angry when they get me on the line. Nothing they say gets to me and it makes them feel like a failure which is not what they want. I have to answer these callers in order to collect my pay and I can't make them change. All I can do is focus on controlling the things I think about what they say so it doesn't get to me. Instead of thinking "How dare you say that to me" I think "nice try but you are not going to force me to do anything I don't want to do and that includes get angry".
Don't focus on what your girl has to do to help you give up being abusive. You can't change her! Focus on what you have to do to become master of your own actions. Do you really want to be a puppet dancing on the strings of your own uncontrollable anger all your life? Don't fight your anger demons for your girlfriend - do it for yourself!
I wish you all the best.
pb Writes
I am having trouble locating a program that will help me deal with my anger issues.
I love my wife and do not want to push her away, but she will leave if I do not get help. We recently had a domestic issue and I do not want this to ever happen again.
I want to become a better person for me and my family.
Kim Says
Hi pb, congratulations on having the strength to admit you have a problem and the intelligence to ask for help with it!
This is an issue that has come up over and over again on this site and I wish a programme such as you are looking for existed. You are not the only one wanting it.
The problem with coming up with a programme or something people can use without professional help is the nature of anger.
Anger management may sound like a simple thing and, in one way, it is. The simple part is that nobody and nothing can MAKE you angry!
Anger is an internal response to internal processes that, of course, can be set in motion by external things.
There is nothing wrong with the internal response itself since anger does have a legitimate role to play in our lives. Anger is often the motivation that drives people to stand up to tyrants, fight injustices, DO something about what has angered them.
There may, or may not, be something you can do about these external things. You can run from, or fight, a tyrant but what if it is your boss? You can leave a bad situation but what if it is your family home? You can avoid nasty people or places but if you can't do that, or the problem is inside you, then you have to find other ways to deal with your anger.
The focus of anger management, therefore, is on what is happening inside you. The internal processes that move a person from calm to angry are what anger management tries to intervene with.
In people with anger problems the middle guy is very often hypervigilant and quick to take offence. It decides a threat is present when most people would not see a threat. It interprets situations in ways people without an anger problem would not interpret them and this triggers anger other people would not experience.
The complex aspect of it is that these ways of seeing the world and interpreting things are difficult to shift.
It's not as simple as telling yourself not to be so touchy or trying to convince yourself what you think or suspect is not true or, as a last resort, working out how to control the anger.
You need to find out what pushes your anger buttons and then you need to disconnect those buttons or get rid of them entirely.
Our anger buttons are as individual as we are so I can't help you find them let alone advise you on how to disconnect or get rid of them. For that you need professional help.
The best I can do is offer you a band-aid solution.
Think back to every time you have ever gotten angry and try to work out what the very first sign you are getting angry is.
Maybe you start breathing heavily, maybe you start feeling hot, maybe you feel the muscles in your neck or hands start tightening.
I don't know what it will be for you but the release of adreneline is the starting point of anger and it causes physical symptoms.
Once you have identified the very first sign of anger in you learn to notice it happening as soon as it happens. If you feel it happening remove yourself from the situation immediately.
Tell your wife, if that is who you are getting angry with, you are getting angry and need to stop. Don't delay or talk any further just take a walk, do some deep breathing or something and return when you are calm.
You may be surprised at the results of this. You may discover that, contrary to your current beliefs, your anger begins somewhere totally different from where it erupts!
You may even find your anger is always there. There may be no warning signals because it is your constant companion. If you find there is no starting point, no place at which you can interrupt your anger and take the pot off the flame, you need to seek help from a professional!
Anger is treatable. If you can find the starting point you can stop it from boiling over but, if your anger is a serious problem, this band-aid solution may be fairly useless.
It may result in you having to walk away from everyone the minute they open their mouths and that's no way to live.
If this solution works then that's great but don't hesitate to seek professional help if it doesn't work. All you stand to lose is your problematic anger.
Treatment will not make you get rid of appropriate anger. Quite the contrary. Treatment will teach you how to use appropriate anger to get good results.
I wish you all the best and hope this band-aid helps.
doons Writes
I have been seeing a psychologist for my depression and anxiety, and have had three sessions with him. We have developed a good rapport and understanding and I feel very positive about this therapy, but the problem is that I am starting to find him quite attractive, although initially this wasn't the case.
I am obsessing about him day and night and cannot wait for my next therapy session.
I am well aware of transference and countertransference, but am finding it difficult to remain objective and concentrate on my therapy. I feel that my major aim now is to please and impress him!
How ridiculous is this?
Currently I am in a relationship of 5 years duration, and am perplexed about these feelings towards my therapist, which I initially felt towards my fiancee. I also feel guilty and confused that I should even feel this way over another man.
Should I talk to my therapist about how I feel and risk losing his services, or keep it to myself? I don't want to embarrass myself with my confession...I don't know what to do.
Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thankyou.
Kim Says
Hi doons,
It sounds like you have heard the technical talk but now you are finding out what the terms really mean and how easily it happens.
You may find it comforting to know it is extremely common for clients to develop romantic feelings for their therapist. A good therapeutic relationship makes the client feel listened to, understood, and unconditionally accepted.
Everyone finds people who listen, understand and accept them to be emotionally satisfying companions and this can turn into romance as anyone who has ever become attracted to their partners best friend can testify.
These positive feelings are heightened in the therapeutic setting because the client is in distress. Their therapist is there for them in a way even their partner may be unable to offer and they are hugely vulnerable to mistaking their positive feelings for their therapist for love.
It is so common for clients to feel this way that therapists are under ethical obligations to avoid getting into a relationship with their clients for at least one year after therapy has ceased.
This gives the client time to recover perspective and realise it was not love after all.
If your therapist is an ethical one it should be safe to disclose your feelings to him and get his assistance in dealing with those too. It is, however, an unfortunate fact that some therapists do take advantage of clients under such conditions.
As long as you are harbouring undisclosed romantic feelings for him your therapy will suffer as you will be distracted by fantasies and the subsequent guilt.
Tell your therapist what is happening for you. He should not be at all shocked and should, in fact, take it as evidence he is doing his job well.
A word of caution - if he does anything to encourage your feelings or tries to take advantage of them in any way he will be PROVING he does NOT care about you AT ALL!!
I cannot stress that enough!
He will have had it drummed into him that allowing a personal relationship to develop during therapy is the MOST harmful thing a therapist can do to their client. If he is prepared to take advantage of your vulnerability he is thinking about himself not you!
If he actually loved you his only choice would be to stop seeing you for one year and THEN start a relationship with you! Only then could he be certain your feelings were real and not the result of a good therapeutic relationship. Only then could he be certain he was not doing the wrong thing by you!
So don't be embarrassed. Your feelings for him are simply proof that he is doing a really good job with you. Once they are out in the open you can work together to stop them from getting in the way of your progress.
Hope that helps and all the best.
Kim
Yolanda Writes
Bullying in the workplace, hence feeling lack of self worth.. getting over a difficult childhood.
Kim Says
Hi Yolanda. You haven't given me much detail to go on so I will have to be pretty vague and general with my answer. If you need more you will need to supply me with more detail.
You say you have had a difficult childhood and such a thing tends to leave people with self-esteem problems. Bullies have a radar that lets them home in on people with poor self-esteem. They instinctively know such people will take the blame for what happens or will be too afraid to make a fuss about being treated badly.
People who were treated badly as children tend to have learned to tolerate abuse in silence. They often question and doubt their own instincts and tend to be afraid to demand better treatment. Children who grow up without rights become adults who surrender their rights without even realising they had them in the first place.
Bullying in the workplace is a lot more common than people think and ranges from sly and subtle to outright abuse. It is, in most workplaces, illegal but that does not provide much protection for victims.
The causes of workplace bullying range from thoughtlessness to serious personality disorders or mental illness in the person doing the bullying.
There are a range of strategies you can use with bullies but what stops one bully will only make another type of bully even worse.
One thing, however, is consistent - the bully behaves the way they do because they can and it is not costing them anything.
Here are some options for dealing with a workplace bully.
1. Sometimes it is as simple as using the formula for good communication and just telling the bully their behaviour is upsetting you. This will work on someone who is not intending to behave badly and, no matter how sure you are that they do know and do intend to upset you, you can't be 100 percent certain unless you tell them.
2. If this does not work you need to tell them again but, this time, make sure you have a witness.
3. Speak to whoever is responsible for ensuring a safe workplace - the boss, your union rep, your supervisor.
4. Put your complaint in writing. The written word can be used as evidence in a court of law so it is always taken more seriously than verbal complaints. Keep a copy of it and send it to the bully and his or her superiors.
5. Make it clear to the bully that you are collecting evidence and will be using it if the behaviour does not stop. Simply writing down what they say or do in full view of them every time they bully can be intimidating enough to put a stop to it. It can be even more intimidating to them if they see you making notes and you do not tell them what you are doing.
Get an exercise book and jot down the time, date, place, witnesses and what was said or done. One "joke" can be shrugged off but a list of "jokes", sneers, put-downs etc grows more and more weighty with every addition when the date, time, words, gestures and witnesses are included. Such a log-book would be accepted as evidence in court.
People do not like to have their behaviour monitored and recorded - the bully will get nervous and will want you to stop. If the only way they can stop you is to stay away from you they will. It may take some time for them to realise that is the only way to stop you so ignore threats and keep writing. If the bully is your boss, however, they may sack you so be careful.
6. Another, less confronting, way to deal with a bully is to get to know them and get to know what matters to them. Sometimes bullying will stop simply because they are flattered that you have taken an interest in them and seem to want to know how they feel and what they think about things!
Bullies don't tend to have a lot of friends so, if you become one, they may treat you better.
For more information, and help, on workplace bullying you can have a look at the Bully Online website. For some advice try this page of the Workplace Bullying web site.
Rae Writes
I am a traumatically brain injured adult and have suffered more social abuse and personal relationship abuse then I care to go into. I definitely have been challenged but keep running the race to win. I think I am one of the top 10 in the world who have survived the type of injury I had with Gods grace and prayers and a lot of help at different times but still I have had some emotional problems and not enough control in my enviroment.
My boyfriend has been diagnosed with bipolar and his history is booze and weed ... he is ok sometimes but the smallest movement can set him off and I get the shit from his temper. I used to get in the way but he is pretty rough so I try to bow out graciously.
I have run at the mouth in order to stick up for myself because I was mute for a while in my youth after my first husband left me ... I think it was a breakdown of sorts. I could not find my feeling base and things overwhelmed me. Now I am a bit more cognitive and really seek God in my emotional recovery that's why I think I got led to your site.
I need help dealing with my partner. I am not trying to put the blame on him as there are some awesome things he does for me but he transferring his past onto me ... sometimes things are good and then a fight.
There is one thing he has done since the beginning and that is compare me in a bad way to his ex wife.
I am a performing artist and this woman is a Holistic type that studied herbs, witch craft and crossover Jesus to healing homopathic remedies.
I want to travel study and reach people with the gospel through my songs. I am a songwriter and becoming a signature artist. She wanted to settle on Tasmanian Is. with a community and live hippie dom.
I think their scope of reality is a lot of hocus pocus ... when they talk they fight. I can understand some of this but not at everyone elses expense.
I have a 15 year old son and get to see him on weekends because the father of my boy thought I could not offer him much. He also is abusive and I worry about my son.
My partner thinks I am like his ex. It is not true even if there are characteristics in us that are similar. I am offended by both people. Neither one will come to terms with what is up right now and others suffer because of their neglect and lack of communication.
I really do not like this woman cause I feel her attitude and past abuse issues are being dumped all over me or any other person he has been involved with ... she is hiding and not giving a damn about her abuse and neglect and feeling sorry for herself cause she got hit by him.
Also my partner is not well. He had a vascular haemmorage last Nov and nearly died on me. I desperatly wanted to tell his kids but the letter I wrote got thrown out after he came home from the hospital.
I often wonder if others are trying to break us up??? I esp. wonder if it is her because her trip may be I do not want him but you cannot have him ... I wonder why I feel in the middle?
I thought maybe his ex. got jealous and thought maybe she was in love still but could not handle another woman in his life ... its such an appeasment to her all the time it makes me feel like a mistress. I am so hurt by him putting this anger for her on me.
Thanks for reading this Kim. Do you think my partner is transferring too much onto me?
Kim Says
Hi Rae. Let me see if I can sum all that up!
You have suffered a traumatic brain injury that you think has led to you tending to hook up with people who abuse you but you have a focus and goals of your own. You want to travel, study and serve the Lord with your singing and songwriting and you believe God has equipped you to do that.
Your previous partner, with whom you have a 15 year old son, was abusive and now you are with a man who suffers from bi-polar, uses drugs and alcohol, and abuses you for being like his ex-wife. He fights with his ex-wife but also makes you feel second best by trying to please her. You feel he takes his anger with her out on you and you are wondering what to do about that.
Here is the way it looks to me Rae.
Your partner fights with his ex-wife and he has hit her. He tells you she is a bad person and deserves to be abused. You believe that. Now he is fighting with you and abusing you. He is telling you that, because you are like his ex-wife, you are also a bad person and deserve to be abused. You think he will stop abusing you if you can make him see you are really not like his ex-wife.
You are wrong.
He is an abusive man and you will never convince him you are not like his ex-wife because believing you are like her gives him the excuse he wants to abuse you.
This is not about you or anything you are doing or failing to do. This is about him and his inability to control his temper. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to sort this out. The problem is in him and he has to fix it not you. You are not responsible for his anger and nor is his ex-wife! It's HIS anger so it's HIS problem. The one, the only, way this will stop is if he learns to manage his anger and you can't MAKE him go to a counselor who could teach him how to do that. He doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks you, and his ex-wife, do.
The question you need to ask yourself is how long are you willing to put up with being treated like sh*t? You are not a bad person so how long are you going to let him treat you as if you are?
How can you serve the Lord with baggage like him weighing you down, taking up your attention, and side-tracking you all the time?
im4ujesus Writes
Since I was a child I was raised in the church. I seem to get attacked by demons all the time. It had stopped for a while but recently it happened again and it freaked me out!
I am a christian and I guess what bothers me the most is I always thought demons can't enter born again christians but after last night I am confused and motivated to do a search!!! Please help - God bless.
Kim Says
I am both a born again Christian and a Psychologist so I believe in two things - the reality of demons and the vulnerability of a child's mind.
In my experience real demons tend to lie low and do everything in their power to remain undiscovered because they know discovery can lead to exorcism and the loss of their power. The fact that these attacks on you are so blatant indicates, to me, that it is not demon activity but satanic mind-manipulation. You cannot expel that with the blood of Christ and satan knows it.
You say you were raised in the church so my first question is this. Was there a lot of talk when you were young about demons, demon possession, being born again as a protection from demons and so on? Did adults tell you they thought you were acting like someone who was possessed or hint that you were acting like a child of satan?
In other words, did you become born again because, as a child, you thought it was the only way to be safe from demons?
Satan does not need demons to play havoc with our minds. He is particularly good at ruling the mind of a child using fear, misconceptions, misinformation and the input from abusive, or even well-meaning, adults.
I have had two demons cast out of me and I cast a third out myself so I know they do exist and they do attack us. There is demon possession, however, and satanic manipulation. If satan can convince you that you are a target and keep you busy fending off attacks you will have no time to build a personal, trusting, relationship with God.
Demons can enter anyone who opens the door to them. If I ever raise a hand against myself again with suicidal intent I know I will be opening the door for the demon of suicide to re-enter me and bring seven other, worse, demons with it.
What they CAN'T do is stay in a born again person if that person repents of the sin that opened the door and tells them to leave.
Understand this - demons are LIMITED in the power they have even when they reside in non-Christians!
What you need to do is find out if these demonic attacks are real or if satan has infected your mind, as a child, with these thoughts and fears and feelings.
To do that you can consult a Christian psychologist or send me more information about the attacks. I would need details of the first attack, other memorable attacks, the last attack before it all stopped. Why you think it stopped and what happened just before it began again. Also include details of that last attack and as much of your background as you can.
You gave me your phone number but I can't afford to make overseas calls that would take as long as it would take to collect all that information.
It would really be best if you could find a Christian psychologist so you can talk face to face about this and I strongly encourage you to do that. If you don't feel able to consult someone else then I'm happy to help if you don't mind providing all that detail in writing.
Jess Writes
My mother is an alcoholic. She has some major mood changes and has been very 'forgetful'. These have been going on for a few years and now I've gotten to the stage where I cannot tolerate it.
My daughter (who is three) has picked up on this and has started to ask me some questions I don't know how to answer fairly. She loves her Nanny very much but she doesn't understand why she 'forgets' and why Nanny sometimes 'makes her sad' (I am using her words here), and gets extremely upset when she doesn't see her for extended periods of time.
It concerns me as a parent that she pointed out to me what my mother actually drinks while I got a bottle of wine for Christmas! I am also concerned that my mother has major mood swings and I saw her 'lose it' with my nephew over something trivial and to be quite honest it scared all of us who were there.
I don't know what to say to my daughter or if to say nothing at all (I know if the problem continues she will figure it out for herself when she is older) as I don't want to come between her and her Nan.
I would also like to let my Mum know that I am concerned for her health but after seven years of trying I have no idea what to say anymore.
I wondered, in your opinion, what is the best way to approach my daughter's questions when they arise and how do I approach my mum to let her know I am concerned about her? Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am out of ideas.
Kim Says
Hi Jess. You sure don't have an easy life do you! It's wonderful that you care so much for everyone else but what about you?
If you have been trying to work this out with your Mother for seven years it's not surprising you have reached a point where you can't tolerate it any more.
I'm sure your daughter loves her Nanny very much, as you say, but I would expect she loves you even more. At three she is likely to be more tuned in to you than you can imagine and this means your concerns are likely to be her concerns.
Any normal person in your position would be experiencing a range of emotions from resentment and anger to sadness, guilt, frustration, helplessness and so on. It is likely your mom often triggers strong emotions within you and your daughter will be picking up on those emotions and reflecting them back at you.
Children are extremely accepting and non-judgemental. Answer her questions honestly and use simple words. Tell her the truth.
The symptom you mention, memory loss, indicates your mothers brain is being damaged by the alcohol. She may even be coming down with Korsakoff's disease. This is a form of, if you like, alzheimers that is caused by binge drinking. Binge drinking is classified as drinking more than a couple of drinks in one sitting. Doing this robs the body of a vitamin called "thiamine". The brain needs thiamine to stay healthy. If your mother is an alcoholic, and not getting enough thiamine, her memory problems could indicate the start of Korsakoffs disease.
Tell your daughter her Nanny's body is so used to alcohol she needs it to feel OK but the alcohol is hurting her brain and making it forget things. She will have questions and you may find most of them are about YOU! Be honest. Tell her that watching Nanny hurt herself with alcohol makes you sad and mad, and whatever else you feel, but there is nothing you can do to make things different.
She will not judge you or your mom. She will think alcohol is the bad-guy for hurting Nanny's brain and you will have instilled a black mark against alcohol in her mind. This will reduce it's appeal for her when she gets older.
Your Mother's body DOES need alcohol and, until the cost of drinking outweighs the reward (avoiding the symptoms of withdrawal), she will not change. You cannot do any more for her than tell her about Korsakoffs. If she takes thiamine it may reduce the harm she is doing to her brain but that is all the help you can give her.
Your daughter will continue to be "sad" about Nanny "forgetting" as long as you are "sad". She will continue to be distressed about not seeing Nanny for a while as long as you are distressed (angry, sad, guilty) about not going there.
The best thing you can do for your daughter is be honest with her, keep her safe from Nanny's outbursts, and take care of yourself!
Consider joining Al Anon, the AA for family and friends of alcoholics. I have heard they are very supportive and helpful. You need support, information and advice on a long-term basis and they are the ones who can give you that.
I hope all goes well for you and your loved ones and that this advice is helpful to you. Cheers - Kim |
Psychology student Writes
I am a 3rd year undergraduate student, specializing in, of all things, psychology. I have aspirations to pursue a graduate degree in psychology. I have been a hard-working, high-achieving student ever since I was a child and school has always been very important to me. I have put enormous pressure on myself to do well, and have earned an A+ in almost every class I've taken so far.
However, I began having panic attacks last year during classes and while studying for exams. I wasn't able to cope with the self-induced stress of school, and dropped out of university last winter. I talked to my doctor and a school counsellor about what was going on, and they diagnosed my condition as general anxiety disorder. I thought taking time away from school would help me reduce my stress levels. Unfortunately, the time off hasn't helped.
My anxiety seems to have spread into all areas of my life, and I can never predict when another panic attack will occur. I find myself getting anxious at work, when I never have before.
One huge source of stress is my home life. My parents are basically alcoholics, so things are already stressful at home. On top of that my dad suffers from severe anxiety disorder, panic attacks and social phobia (the last of which I have been lucky to avoid myself so far), and my mom has a stressful job, and tends to bring her problems home.
So, it seems, I am constantly surrounded by constant stress at home, as well as at school. I would love to move out, but financially, it seems, it is not an option.
I have pursued counseling to try to deal with the stress created by my family, but they are unwilling to participate and unaware of their problems, so it didn't resolve anything. Trying to fix things with them always leads to more stress for myself, so I have resolved to ignore them and attempt to proceed on with my life.
I'm going back to school in two weeks... and I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the stress. Its unfortunate because I love studying psychology, yet can't seem to be able to manage my own anxiety.
I feel like I've tried everything and anything to manage my anxiety, including medication, therapy, exercise, relaxation, changing my nutrition, with very little success.
Am I doomed to live a life of constant anxiety? Should I give up on trying to pursue a graduate degree? I'm afraid that if I do I will always feel like a failure and feel unfulfilled.
I am seeking your advice as you are a psychologist yourself and have spoken of your own anxiety. Is there any hope I might too be able to make it through graduate school to one day help others as a psychologist?
Kim Says
A couple of things stood out for me in your letter. You say you have always been a high achiever and your anxiety levels increased the further you progressed in your studies.
As I'm sure you have realised, the further you go up the education ladder the steeper the climb as the harder the work gets. If you are unwilling to accept less than perfect grades you may find you will never complete the course.
My anxiety also used to go out of control at exam times and now I wonder why I cared so much. Not one single person, since leaving the academic arena, ever asked about my grades! Not one of the people who employed me ever knew if I was able to get better than average grades and that was because none of them ever cared.
Once you walk out of the academic arena the only fact the rest of the world cares about is whether or not you got the degree.
Perfection is a word that belongs in the dictionary! It has no place in real life but, sadly, many lives are short-circuited by an inability to accept less than perfect results.
The problem with being a perfectionist is you tend to have high standards not just for yourself but for others too which brings me to the next thing that stood out for me in your letter.
You say you pursued counseling but your family were not willing to participate or change. I read that and thought there might be some issues right there that need addressing.
Imagine yourself as a professional psychologist and tell me what you would say to a client who walked through the door and said "I tried counseling but my family won't change".
What would you say? Think about it because let me tell you - it is something you are going to hear time and time and time again in one form or another if you go into the profession. Roughly nine out of ten people who go for counselling tend to be there to find out how they can make someone else change!
If I had a dollar for every time I have had to say "The only person you can change is YOU!" I would be a kazillionaire!
Anyone who is expecting their problems to be solved by other people changing is in a whole world of trouble!
These are two of the things that stood out for me in your letter but the major thing that struck me is the answer you gave on the request form to my question about what medications you are taking or have taken in the past.
Your answer listed all the types of medication you have tried. You said one type did work but you were afraid of becoming addicted.
I presume that means you stopped taking them?
If you do follow through on your dream and become a psychologist this is something else you will need to learn about. It is a very frustrating but common phenomenon called non-compliance!
People go for treatment but they don't follow through because they:
Don't like the side-effects, don't like the therapist, fear getting addicted, fear facing the past, don't think the pills work, don't think the therapy works, keep forgetting to keep the appointment, keep forgetting to take the pills, lost the pills, the dog ate the pills, the house caught fire and burnt the prescription, grandma died, Dad died, the dog died, need I continue?
For almost 40 years I suffered from depression and anxiety and I went for treatment a couple of times. Each time I gave up taking the medication after only a few months.
All the years I have been practising I have repeatedly encouraged my clients to stick with their treatment programmes and give it time yet I never applied the same advice to myself.
I finally overcome my own anxiety and depression but it took three things. Taking my medication, keeping the appointments with my psychologist, and doing some work uncovering things in my past that were holding me back.
There is no magic wand when it comes to healing and, sometimes, we have to trade what we want for what we can have.
You want to be healed without running the risk of becoming addicted and that is a reasonable thing to want. The problem is that your condition clearly has a physical base and the cure is available but you are not willing to take it.
I have spoken to many people who suffer from anxiety and being cured is not always what they expected. Life in the "Normal" lane can be horribly boring to someone who is used to high levels of adreneline.
"Normal" feels flat, tired, lethargic, bored, fuzzy, wrapped in cotton wool, doped up, tied down, bummed out, not my usual self to list just a few ways people have described coming down from the natural high anxiety produces.
Is your "I'm afraid of becoming addicted" a realistic fear or was it a handy way out of the horribly boring condition of normality imposed on you by the medication?
If you know the medication works you need to talk to your doctor about your fears of becoming addicted. The fact that these drugs are still being prescribed means there must be a way to take them safely - find out how.
Or keep searching for another solution and accept that, until you find it, life will be a roller coaster ride.
Just as a spot of encouragement - I practised for almost ten years from the well of depression and suicidality I resided in. For some reason I always believed in the value of my clients. I always felt their lives were worth living and I did my best to encourage them to carry on even when I couldn't think of anything about living that was worth the struggle myself.
Having a mental illness does not mean you cannot function. You can and many of us function very well. We can function as well as, in some cases better, than those who don't have a mental illness.
So hang in there. Keep searching for your answers and you are sure to find them provided you are willing to hear if the answer is one you don't much like!
Terri Writes
I have been dating a man for 18 months now. He is 62 years old, divorced, one grown daughter. We live approximately 30 miles apart and still work full time, seeing each other approximately twice a week.
As it does take "time" to know someone I am seeing different "sides" of him.
He is, the greatest percentage of the time that we spend together, moody, irritable, hypersensitive, knit-picky, making mountains out of mole-hills and sometimes even cold and distant. On the other hand, he tells me, he loves me, loves to spend all his spare time with me, wants to share my life.
He is not controlling or jealous.
I am extremely frustrated by these mood swings. He can be at my house tonight, happy and wonderful, and tomorrow, be a totally different person. It is unbelievable how quickly his whole demeanour can change! I have not ever experienced this before in anyone that I have been involved with.
We have great sexual chemistry and I would like to continue our relationship because he is an honest, decent man, however, I am frustrated to death not knowing what mood he will be in.
I have tried to no avail to discuss this with him and he turns it all around and I end up believing that this is my fault. I am certainly not perfect, but I am a good communicator, and very loving and feel that I have exhausted all ways of dealing with this.
He will not address any issues of a personal nature; says I am
being critical of the "way he is" when I bring this up. Also says, "well, it's take me as I am, or let me go". He says to me, "That's the way I am, I can't be like you....all bubbly all the time".
What causes someone who claims to love you, to be so irritable with you CONSTANTLY......please help me!
Kim Says
Hi Terri and thank you for giving me permission to use your letter on the site.
The confusion you must be experiencing stands out clearly in your description of this man and your relationship.
You say most of the time you are together he is "moody, irritable, hypersensitive, knit-picky, making mountains out of mole-hills and sometimes even cold and distant" yet you are only together about twice a week.
It seems he is not so much in love, so happy to see you, his bad moods dissolve for those couple of days a week. He is not so much in love he is willing to talk about how his moods are affecting you nor is he prepared to even accept there is anything wrong with his behaviour.
He is saying, up front, "I will not change, I will not even talk about changing, I would rather lose you than change or even talk about changing".
What kind of love is he feeling if he is not able to control his bad moods for such a short period of time?? What kind of love does he have when he is not prepared to even discuss how unhappy he is making you??
You say he is "not controlling" yet, when you try to talk to him about this, he "turns it all around" to the point where you feel the problem is, somehow, in you.
Without talking to him I can't tell exactly what may be behind all this and, given his age, there are more possibilities than there would be with someone much younger.
He could be suffering from confusion himself.
Maybe he has been hurt before and his current behaviour is his way of keeping a "safe" distance from you.
He is also from another era. One that, traditionally, dominated and controlled its women using a range of methods now labelled abusive.
He might be acting out the things he grew up seeing his father do to his mother or reacting to his own confusion and frustration when you behave in ways he grew up thinking of as "unfeminine".
Girls were discouraged from being intelligent, independent, self-reliant, strong or self-confident once and you sound like an intelligent, strong, confident woman.
He may be, subconsciously, trying to tear down your self-confidence to make you more dependent on him.
He may also be suffering from performance difficulties sexually and his moodiness ensures that, at those times, he is never required to perform. A fight permits withdrawal from intimacy with no risk of the shame that might result if the "deficiency" became known.
Whatever the reasons behind his behaviour may be, and he may not even know what they are himself, he has made it very clear they are not up for discussion.
That might seem to leave you with only two options and those are the very same options he has pointed out to you.
"Take me as I am, or let me go."
It sounds to me like you really don't like either of those options and I don't blame you. You love the part of him that makes you feel good but you are tired of being his whipping post so lets see if we can come up with a third option.
The thing to realise is that ultimatums like he is offering are extremely childish and not the thinking of a real adult. Real adults are willing to change, or at least consider making some changes, to make someone they love happy. Only children think they are always right or that other people have to put up with them no matter what they do.
Think about it - where else have you heard "I don't want to talk about it because there's nothing wrong with me - it's all YOUR fault so leave me alone" if not from your children?
We all have a part of us that is childish but some of us have a bigger kid inside than others.
Some people are good with kids. They know how to train them out of bad behaviour and some people are not interested in trying.
You have, therefore, three options rather than the two he has given you.
- You can accept him as he is - not recommended.
- You can let him go - worth considering.
- You can attempt behaviour modification.
Behaviour modification works on adults exactly the same way it does on kids. You simply refuse to tolerate bad behaviour and reward good behaviour.
Next time he gets in a bad mood just say to him, in a calm and matter of fact way, that you are not interested in being in his company when he is behaving like that and either leave or ask him to leave (let him go).
When he is nice to be around he gets his reward (your company, attention, and affection).
As with a child, don't get into a power struggle, don't get angry, don't get into an argument, don't try to defend or explain to his satisfaction - just say "I don't like being around you when you are in this mood and it is best if you/I leave".
Then remain away from him until he indicates he wants your company again. Don't hold a grudge, don't get into a discussion, he has set the rules - no talking - don't let him change them now. Meet up with him again as if nothing has happened and enjoy his company for not one second longer than it is enjoyable.
The moment his company ceases to be enjoyable just calmly repeat that you are no longer enjoying his company and it is time to part.
If he does love you, and he quite possibly does, he will begin to miss you as the weeks go by with only five or ten minutes with you each week. You may find the minutes start to become hours and he may even stop behaving that way altogether when he is with you.
He may, on the other hand, accuse you of not "really" loving him and the relationship may end. That is a risk you take but is the relationship worth fighting for or would you prefer to wait out the time it takes for his behaviour to kill your feelings for him?
Only you can decide that. I wish you luck and a lot of inner strength because toddler taming is never an easy job and when the toddler in question has been one for 62 years you will have your work cut out for you!
cherrisue Writes
I have a gambling addiction. I have lost over $20,000 in a month, have no job, am suicidal, love the slots and want one more jackpot.
I need help and I don't have the money to go for therapy.
Kim Says
Hi cherrisue,
From the answers you gave to the consultation form questions I gather you are also addicted to alcohol but have had to give it up recently due to health problems. Would I be correct in guessing your gambling addiction has gotten worse since giving up alcohol?
You said you have nobody to turn to for advice but your friends and family are telling you to get help and this makes me think you are not feeling able to turn to the very people you should be able to turn to for understanding and support.
Perhaps they never were supportive of you and perhaps they have simply given up, I don't know, but all my instincts are telling me you have been through some tough times and done it all alone.
The thing is, however, nobody can do it completely alone cherisue. We all need someone to turn to - or something!
From the little you have told me I think you have spent many years numbing your psychic pain with alcohol and other substances. Now gambling is keeping the pain at bay.
I don't think you love the slots at all! How many times have you been so frustrated by the way they wouldn't give you anything and so angry that you hated them and wanted to smash them to pieces!?
I don't think it's one more jackpot you want so much as the way one more jackpot would make you feel! The money is just a bonus.
You say you don't have the money to get counselling yet, somehow, you found $20,000 dollars to give to the slot machines in a month.
It isn't that you CAN'T stop gambling, you had the strength to stop drinking when something made you want to badly enough, you have the will power.
You don't WANT to stop gambling and I understand that so completely it isn't funny. Winning feels so good it's hard to stop chasing the feeling even though losing feels so bad.
I have not yet fully conquered my own gambling addiction cherrisue so I don't have any easy answers for you. Quitting cold-turkey is the only thing that helps me as the desire to gamble weakens with every day I stay away from the machines.
Have you checked with your doctor to see if you are suffering from depression? Going on antidepressants was helpful for me as well.
The main problem is, you will need to find other ways to cope with the psychic pain that gambling is keeping at bay, you risk going back to the alcohol or something else if you don't.
I firmly believe that, deep down inside you, something is hurting and hurting badly. The only way to a better life is to find that wound, or wounds, and heal them.
Counselling can help you do that. You know, and I know, you can always find some money somewhere for the slot machines - find it for counselling! You need face to face counselling and I can't give you that. Anonymous counselling over the internet won't be as effective as building a good relationship with a "real" person face to face.
I'm fighting the same battle so I know it isn't as easy as it may sound but I'm getting counselling and it IS helping! My savings are growing now instead of my debts.
Yours can too but only if you stop telling yourself you love the slots and want one more jackpot and start telling yourself you love YOURSELF enough to at least try and take care of yourself!
Tanya Writes
I have had a string of bad circumstances all my life. My whole adult life has just been bad luck after bad luck. It has gotten so bad that I've turned away from God in anger, but I've always turned back, but things don't seem to get any better for me and my family.
I've been sexually abused, my eldest son has been sexually abused by his junkie father (my ex husband), and is still allowed to see him through the courts, our car has caught fire, and that is scratching the surface.
I have forgiven the things that have happened to me in my childhood.
Also my child sees things in the middle of the night. He constantly comes into my bedroom screaming because hes seen someone or something (one time it was glowing eyes) in his bedroom. I pray with him til he falls asleep.
We live quite a normal life. There's nothing in our lives that I could pinpoint the reasons for these problems i.e. no alcohol, drugs, bad company.
I'm at a time in my life where my faith is quite strong. I pray all the time, I praise and I worship and I do try to read the bible.
I am so confused at why all this is happening to me. I know that we all go through times of testing, like Job did, but I just can't understand why after 10 years every way we turn we just cant escape dilemma. We try so hard to fix our problems, then just as soon as we get over one, another one crops up.
I am wondering if this could be oppression by satan? And if so, how would I go about tackling this. Or if there is something else that I just cant see please advise me. I'm desperate for things to change.
Kim Says
Oh Tanya, your life sounds like one long nightmare and I admire the strength you are showing in not giving up!
The first thing you need to know is that childhood abuse opens the door for satan to manipulate your mind through the after effects of being abused. After effects such as poor self-esteem, anxiety, depression and hyper-vigilance.
Abuse leaves the survivor instinctively feeling responsible for what has happened, for example, and they find it hard to believe they really do deserve good things. Survivors of abuse also tend to be permanently "on-guard" and that makes it hard to ignore anything bad that happens. We become, in a sense, ultra sensitive to bad luck.
Bad things happen to everyone Tanya but you have certainly had more than what would be classified as "normal". Some of it, like ending up with an abusive man, can be blamed on the things you learned as a victim of abuse yourself. Abusers get away with abuse because their victims tend to blame themselves.
If you had good self-esteem you would have taken better care of yourself and dumped your ex as soon as you found out he was a junkie. I suspect, if you had done that, he'd have been out of your life long before he even fathered your son let alone abused him.
Bad luck is also due, in many cases, to ignorance. When people do not know their rights those rights can be violated and that is happening to you too.
Your son, for example, sounds like he has a severe and chronic case of post traumatic stress disorder. It is highly likely the trauma responsible for the illness is what his father did to him! If you take him to a psychologist and get a report on his condition you can use that report to stop his father from being alone with him ever again! Once your son feels safe his ability to cope should improve.
You have reached out to me for help but only, I suspect, because I have clearly stated I am a Christian and I believe in Satan and demons. Would I be right in guessing you have been warned that psychologists are agents of satan?
I have no doubt some of them are, satan has agents in every profession and every walk of life, but the things satan is using against you right now are more mental than spiritual. The battle for our minds is one God can do very little to help us with. You are asking him for spiritual help and he is giving you that - you are still standing and still holding on to your faith!
Any psychologist, religious or not, can help you win back your mind. A non-christian one will probably try and get you to leave the religion out of it as it is really not relevant to this fight. Any psychologist, given an hour with your son, will be able to write a report on his PTSD and recommendations for the court.
Any non-religious psychologist will, however, worry that his symptoms are due more to your focus on satanic activity than "real" problems. The shadowy people and demons who come to your son in the dark are all, most likely, his father and his fears of what his father can do.
You can pray with him but I suspect he will respond better to being reassured that Daddy can't hurt him tonight because he is not there tonight. His fears are likely to be getting worse due to YOUR fear that something supernatural is after him.
God is with you in your spiritual battle but you need someone to help you win back your mind and your life from the damage that was done to you as a child.
Try and find a Christian counsellor if you can but any counsellor will be able to help you with this. When it comes to protecting your son, however, you need to find a qualified psychologist and get them to do an assessment and report that you can take to the courts. Tell them you are not looking to do anything but ensure his father is not able to get the boy alone!
The sooner you find the help you need the sooner your life can change. I wish you blessings not luck - luck is fickle and untrustworthy.
Chitchattty824 Writes
At the start of November, I've lost my money, my son, my house (now under attorney review) and my mind. I am now paralyzed with fear, depression and anxiety. I have no one to turn to and no one basically cares for me. I have a 9 year old son but now feel that he will be better off without me.
I have not packed my house yet and I am in the state of total limbo. I am contemplating suicide. I feel God has abandoned me along with everyone else. My parents were abusive alcoholics, my dad with dementia in a nursing home. I literally have no one and my time is short. A matter of weeks before I will probably be homeless.
Every ounce of hope is shot down, everyone I turn to scatters, even those I helped in my past. I am disgusting to myself and it shows.
I've lost all my confidence, all my coping skills and now can't move but from my sofa to the computer to the kitchen looking for small scraps to eat or another glass of wine.
I shake every morning screaming to God to help me, but it does not seem to get better. I am always tormented by the thought of homelessness and knowing that I will no longer have a sofa, a kitchen or a computer any more. I can't move out of this depression like limbo to pack, to do absolutely anything anymore. I know I will lose everything even more if I don't, but all I can do is move along this creepy route day in and day out. I'm in a nightmare where I can't wake up.
Everything happened to me so suddenly I never was able to even breathe. I feel cursed and hopeless. Most times just to keep my hands from shaking takes me hours at a time, just sitting on my sofa staring into space.
My account is overdrawn, bills have piled up, my credit is now shot. I know I can't get an apartment with bad credit.
I have been asking God to take control of my life, really trying to give over control.. but I can't seem to shake this limbo off.. even God doesn't help me.
I'm so tired all the time, I don't care to even take care of myself. I've lost drastic amounts of weight, I look very sickly now. There was a time I was very attractive, but men in my life after my divorce either took advantage or are now disgusted with my inability to cope with anything at all.
I feel washed up and done. I wish I can just die. Die and have it over with. My life has been too hard and I've been left alone too much and too long. My son will be better off to know that I "may" be an angel in heaven than what I am now. Hopefully that is what he'll think anyway.
What hurts is that I would never have left anyone alone like this before. I always helped others, but now I need help unconditionally, everyone scatters, runs. That hurts a lot. I have no one.. no one to turn to for hope.. no one that will take me in if I have no where to go. Just this hurtful existence, blank existence, no hope no rescue.
Kim Says
You are carrying a huge load - more than you realise believe it or not. You have the symptoms of severe depression but there is more to it than that. From the sound of it your parents taught you to cope by turning to alcohol and that, as I am sure you have been told, makes things worse.
Depression has wrapped itself so tightly around you that you cannot move or think clearly. Your childhood taught you that you were helpless and hopeless and, I suspect, unacceptable and disgusting and those fundamental beliefs are weighing in now with a vengeance. The only thing that helps, the only thing that has ever helped I suspect, is medicating your pain with alcohol.
I don't have time, in this short letter, to be gentle with you and I am forced to guess a LOT about what might be happening in your life. Please don't let your depression convince you that I don't care, that I am against you, that what I say is designed to hurt you because none of that is true!
Here is the brutal stuff - You are likely to be leaning on alcohol because you learned that coping mechanism from your alcoholic parents. You are NOT a bad person - you had a bad upbringing!
If people in your life are telling you that you need to stop drinking and you will not, cannot, stop they will abandon you because they will not know how to help you!
People often WANT to help but run the other way because they are afraid. Yes - THEY are afraid! They are afraid of how deeply distressed you are. People get so overwhelmed by other people's pain that they cannot be around it if they feel there is nothing they can do to help! Very few people realise how incredibly helpful it is for someone in pain to just be allowed to TALK and feel someone cares enough to listen. They think that, having heard, they must DO something.
The person who clings to alcohol is rejecting all other sources of help!
I am a psychologist and I was taught not to waste time trying to help someone who is drunk, stoned, or high on any kind of substance. NOT because that person is not worth helping but because the alcohol will prevent them from hearing me, listening to me, taking notice of me or even REMEMBERING what I say!
When you ask people for help are you sober? They will reject you if you are not or if you even SOUND drunk! They will believe there is no point even talking to you if alcohol is in possession of your mind!
God himself cannot talk to alcohol!
Alcohol and depression reject God but they tell you He is rejecting you! They say "God doesn't care" and they make you turn away or get angry because God does not produce a miracle to prove he cares. All God can do, when you are under the control of these nasty and self-destructive companions, is watch, sadly, as you cling to the very things that seek to destroy you.
You have asked me for help, for advice, but will you listen to me? Will you take my advice? Will you do two things - just two? Will you take two very small steps to help yourself?
Step 1. Sober up - not for good necessarily. Just be sober long enough to take step two. That's all I am asking.
Step 2. Call this number: 1-800-273-8255 It is, as far as I can tell, the suicide help line that people in your area can call.
They will listen to your pain but they will not be able to fix everything. Nobody can fix everything. This is a road you must travel not a "rescue". The first thing you need is help, strength, courage to deal with things one at a time. There is a home for you to move into - ask them for help to find it! That is step 3 for you - finding somewhere to move to. Once you have found your new home you will be more able to face step 4 - packing up to go there.
One step at a time - that is how you will get from limbo to life. Can you do it?
You have survived so much, come such a long way burdened by so much pain, can you go just a little way further? For your son? For you? For God? For the people who care about you but who are being pushed away by alcohol and depression?
I hope so. I pray so. I will keep praying but God can't put down the wine and pick up the phone. You are the only one who can do those two things!
BMC writes
My 14 yr old daughter and best friends 15 yr old son are pregnant. We are keeping the child and my best friend does not want us to. I realize it will be hard and a 14 yr old has no parenting skills but I am willing to teach her. My best friend has totally withdrawn from me and asked for space. I am respecting her request and it's killing me. She is going through a lot of anger towards me and my daughter and is separating the kids because they do not need to be rewarded. I disagree as they have been best friends themselves for over 3 yrs and for god's sake they are now having a baby together.
My friend is going to counseling, today is her 2nd time, and she refuses to talk to me until she can work things out. It's been a week since we spoke. I am mourning for my daughter that she is separated from her own best friend that she spent 6 out of 7 days a week with as well as for myself. I don't know if my friend will ever come to accept things or want to continue our relationship no matter how close we once were.
The "not knowing" is killing us all. I believe since her son does not drive and she controls what and who he sees that she will cause him eventually to make a decision to not want to be there for this baby even though he expresses how much he wants to be there for my daughter and his unborn child. My friend does not seem to be accepting this and she is exhibiting so much anger toward us and her own son. He is throwing up daily with all the tension in his house.
I'm so confused and so hurt and just need advice. What can I do?
Kim says
Hi Bmc. You are doing the right thing giving your friend the space she has asked for. You cannot control what she decides to do but there is a better chance of things working out if you give her the time and space to work through her fear and anger.
All you can do for now is focus on taking care of your daughter and yourself. It is wonderful that you are so understanding and supportive of your daughter and your friends son but you need to focus on what you can do not on things, like your friends decisions and actions, that are outside of your control.
You say you are keeping the child and I am wondering if you have talked that through with your daughter as thoroughly as possible? I will be honest with you. I am a Christian and do not believe in abortion but, if my daughter were 14 and pregnant, I would not impose my wishes on her.
I would sit her down, tell her about all the options she has - abortion, adoption and keeping the child, and tell her everything I know, including how I feel, about each option. I would then do everything in my power to be sure the choice she made was HER choice not mine. I'd make sure she knew I would support her whatever she decided to do. I would then get on my knees and pray (silently) without ceasing that God would not let her choose to abort or adopt.
That may not be what you were hoping to hear from me, or expecting to hear, perhaps but your daughter is still a child. If you have assumed she will have the baby she will assume there is no other option. If she is not given a genuine choice in this you could face big problems with her in the future.
If she really does want to have the baby then it is vital that you get the support you need to help her get through this. Do you have anyone other than your friend to turn to?
You asked for my advice and here it is. I really think you need to see a counsellor yourself to get the support YOU need while you wait for your friend to work things out. I also think it would be an excellent idea for your daughter to go for her own counselling sessions in case she is thinking or feeling things she does not feel able to tell you about.
If your daughter has the baby because she genuinely wants to she will cope better with what awaits her and will appreciate you rather than resent you and the child in years to come.
Your friend is likely to want to see her grandchild once he or she has been born so there is a good chance that she will calm down by then at the latest. If she is getting counselling the counsellor should be aware of the damage she could do to her son, and her relationship with him, if she causes him to lose this baby against his will. He is approaching an age when he is likely to get out of control if she is not careful and her counsellor may be making her aware of that.
You know your friend. Is she really the sort of person who could turn her back on her own flesh and blood?
This must be so hard for you and harder still without having your best friend to turn to. I really hope you decide to find someone to support you through this if you can and I hope things work out for you all. |