What If?

Ever since I did all that research on the symptoms of a malfunctioning thyroid I have been plagued with a gigantic “What If?”

What if I am not who I think I am?  What if I am sick and the person I used to be is on the other side of this medical journey?

I used to be quite a sociable person.  I loved going out, doing things, and being with other people.  Talking was something I did too much of but it helped me to make friends easily no matter where I went.

Over the years I have withdrawn more and more becoming quite anti-social, reclusive, and unwilling to make friends or go anywhere even when there is a risk of offending or hurting people if I don’t accept invitations.

I thought all the things I have gone through over the years had just beaten me down, sapped my strength, taught me to be wary of people and killed off hope and optimism in me.

I have never been much of an optimist but I’m fairly sure I used to be a lot less certain that nothing good is ahead for me than I am now.

Day after day I drag through life hoarding every last little drop of energy, saving it up for important things, hoping it won’t run out on me.  It’s always a struggle to get myself into the shower let alone out of the house so I save my energy for the things I must do, like go to work, and make excuses to avoid doing anything else!

I function because four liters of diet coke a day keeps my eyes open and the fear of what will happen if I don’t make it to work or don’t do my job properly pushes me to ignore how I feel and keep going.

According to my research a lot of women experience problems with their thyroid after the birth of a child.  Is it possible that my thyroid has been malfunctioning since my son was born 30 odd years ago and it has just been getting worse and worse ever since then?

The other day I had a good day, a day when I felt like I had some energy to spare, a day when life felt quite good for a change.  I made the most of it and got through a few chores that needed to be done.  I have days like that about once or twice a year but what if that is how I am supposed to feel?

I can’t help wondering if there is any chance I will feel that way more often after my thyroid surgery.  If I felt like that every day my attitude to life would take a sharp turn for the better.

I’ve been on the waiting list for surgery for just over a month now.  Sometimes I am sure I do have cancer and my time on earth is quickly running out but other times I am just as sure I don’t have cancer.  Sometimes I think surgery will change my life for the better and other times I think life is going to get worse once they operate.

I’m taking it one day at a time but I keep getting the feeling I need to buckle down and get this abuse resource finished before it’s too late.  I have no idea if that is premonition or anxiety talking but, just in case it’s a genuine premonition and time really is running out, I’m trying to get it done.

It’s a new year and I am plagued with “What if’s”.  What if I am not who I think I am?  What if a hormonal imbalance is responsible for my lack of enjoyment of life?  What if I don’t have cancer but surgery goes wrong and leaves me feeling even worse than I do now?  What if I do have cancer and I’ve left it too late to get treatment?

What if surgery fixes me and this is the year I start to really live again?  What if this is my year to die?