I don’t go out of my way to avoid hearing the latest news. The main reason I am not really “in the know” is the fact I rarely watch TV and when I do it doesn’t tend to be the news. I seldom listen to radio and I read the newspaper only if one turns up at work or I have breakfast in a fast food place that supplies them.
I had breakfast in a fast food place the other morning so I know about the capture of little JonBenet’s murderer. The headline on the front page was along the lines of “JonBenet’s Killer Says He Loved Her”. He said it was “an accident”.
He probably believes it too you know. I have worked with prisoners and seen the research and many of the people who rape, beat, abuse and murder really do believe they love their victims and they hurt them by accident. It gets worse though. Many victims believe their abuser really does love them and didn’t mean to hurt them.
It never fails to dismay me when I see people with such distorted views about love.
Here’s my opinion – If you love someone you want what is best FOR THEM! If you love someone you don’t physically hurt them. If you love someone you sure as hell don’t tie them up, rape them or kill them!
Accidents happen pretty quickly. To kill someone by accident you must do one thing that leads to their death and not have the time, or opportunity, to be able to save their life after you have done it.
It is, of course, possible to hurt someone you love but if your love is genuine you will seek help to stop it from happening again. I know such help is not always available so people do hurt their loved ones more than once. It’s a fine line but when you make no serious attempt to get help to prevent yourself from hurting someone you love your love is not genuine in my opinion.
One of the primary indicators as to whether prisoners are likely to re-offend on their release is their level of empathy for their victim. People simply don’t do things if they are able to feel empathy for those on the receiving end.
Empathy is the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how they are feeling.
My bet is that JonBenet’s killer has never tried to imagine how anyone but himself feels about anything he has done. I bet he doesn’t feel as sorry for JonBenet as he feels for himself because he “accidentally” lost someone he “loved”.
The abusive partner or parent does not feel sorry for his or her loved one – he or she feels sorry for himself or herself because “I didn’t MEAN to do it” or “You MADE me do it” or “The drink, drugs, stress, illness, bosses nastiness MADE me do it” or it was an accident which is just another way of saying they didn’t MEAN to do it.
If they didn’t MEAN to do it they feel it is not really their fault. That works for me but only ONCE. The minute they know they DID do it, and don’t do something to make certain the behaviour is not repeated, the second offence is by choice.
They have chosen to accept the behaviour might happen again and have done nothing to prevent it. They have not left the person who MADE them do it, sworn off the drugs or alcohol that MADE them do it, taken steps to deal with their reaction to the stress, illness, or nasty boss that MADE them do it so the second time they do it those things are not responsible – they are.
JonBenet’s killer did what he did because he had needs and desires he wanted to fulfil no matter how that would make anyone else feel or what that would cost anyone else. JonBenet’s killer killed because he did not love JonBenet enough to do what was best for HER.
As for JonBenet’s parents – I disapprove of allowing a child to be made to appear in any way older than they are let alone “sexy”. In a perfect world it wouldn’t matter but this is not a perfect world and how a person looks, dresses and behaves DOES matter.
It matters even if the person is only a child and should not be held responsible for how she is dressed. I discovered this when I was studying psychology and I came across some research on how men react to the way a little girl is dressed that was done many years ago.
In the study very young girls were taken to the beach and allowed to play. Some wore one piece children’s bathing suits, some wore bikinis even though they had no breasts and some played naked.
The researchers took note of how men on the beach reacted to the children.
They found that men took very little notice of the children who wore nothing or a one piece bathing suit but they looked twice at the bikini clad children and some even wolf-whistled them.
Many people live by the rule that if someone looks sexy and acts sexy they are ready for sex no matter how old they are. JonBenet was taught to look sexy, act sexy, pout and pose and seem sexy. JonBenet was turned into an object designed to capture the attention of the judges so she would win beauty pageants.
It is no surprise, at least not to me, that she captured the attention of a pervert as well.
JonBenet’s parents turned her into every paedophiles dream – a child that appeared to be deliberately trying to turn them on and, therefore, seduce them.
I doubt this was their intention, and they have certainly paid a heavy price for their ignorance of how a paedophile thinks, but “I didn’t MEAN to do it” won’t bring little JonBenet back to life regardless of who says it.