Found out tonight the person I told my secret, the secret about the existence of this blog, has brushed the cobwebs off her computer and is trying to get it working again. Paranoid? Me? You bet. I believe she is enough like me to be curious. If I found out she was keeping a blog I would not be able to resist reading it if I could.
I don’t mind. She is not a judgmental person so I don’t think she will judge me. I just hope she doesn’t tell anyone else at work. In one way I would be glad if she was reading as she could provide me with an objective perspective.
Also found someone else’s blog entry on forgiveness and it was so different to mine it made me wonder, again, if I should be sharing this stuff. The entry is an all or nothing approach to forgiveness – not only does the author say you must forgive but you must love your abusers too.
In my entry on forgiveness and revenge I said I believe God told me his definition of forgiveness is just to surrender my claim to revenge. Give up my desire to make those who do me wrong pay for it. I have said God told me I don’t have to forgive in any other sense of the word unless I am asked to forgive.
Am I wrong? Am I supposed to love them too? And if I am supposed to love them how far is that love supposed to go? There are several types of love after all. The love I have for God is different to the love I have for my children and that love differs from the love I had for my husband which, in turn, was not the same as the love I have for my friends.
I love my kids with all my heart but it is a very different love to the one I had for my husband. I simply could never have loved him with a mother’s love and I cannot love my children with a romantic love!
If God wants me to love my abusers with a mother’s love then He is going to be waiting a very long time for that to happen! I don’t believe he wants me to love them that way nor does he want me to love them the way I loved my husband or even the way I love my friends.
He wants me to love them the way I love Him! That is a vastly different way to all the rest. I love God with all my heart but I would never sleep with him nor treat him with the casual affection I show my friends. I wouldn’t presume to love him as a mother either so what is left?
I respect God. I am in awe of Him and I recognise His authority and power. I love Him but on a spiritual level.
It is my belief that God is the personification of existence. He is the stuff from which all things that exist are made. God IS. He is DNA, He is molecules and atoms and cells and dirt and air and blood and bone and sinew.
The blood that flows through my veins is a part of God even more so than it is a part of me because it is MADE from God himself. Chop up a tree and you can make a chair, tooth picks and paper from it. Chop up God and you can make you and me and the tree and air and water and sunshine and grass and animals – everything that is, was, and will ever be. It is all made from Him just as the chair and the toothpick are made from the tree.
God only had one substance to create everything that exists with – Himself.
God knows everything, sees everything, hears everything because God IS everything!
God is not inside me – He IS me – I am made from Him.
The closest thing we have to explain this is parenthood but that is a poor imitation. I gave my eggs to create my children and surrendered my body for nine months. They are as much a part of me as my own body but I do not feel what is done to them unless I am told it has been done to them. I am no longer connected to the parts of me I donated to their creation. God did not donate eggs or sperm to create us – He took a chunk of Himself and shaped it into us.
He was able to create Adam and Eve from dirt because dirt is part of Him. We can take a tree and turn it into a chair. He can take dirt, a tree, a cloud, a summer breeze or the rays of sunshine and turn them into a person because all of those things are made from His essence – His being – HIM.
I am NOT God – I am MADE from God. God is the tree and I am the chair or, to be honest, the toothpick. The tree dies when we chop it down. When God chopped Himself up the bits did not die and they were not severed from Him. They continue to be part of Him and He feels everything that happens to every part of Himself!
We are in awe of the Love that sent a son to die on the cross for us but God’s love for us goes further, much further, than even that.
God gave each and every one of us a piece of His essence – His life force – Himself.
He feels everything that happens to every one of us but it’s more than that – he is forced to feel everything – every evil thought and deed. Imagine being forced to hear and feel every evil from both sides – as the victim and as the perpetrator. He IS the animal being skinned alive and he has to endure being the man who inflicts agony without thought or care for the suffering. Worse – He has to endure the sadistic pleasure the man gets from hurting the creature. Only by perverting and twisting the divine spark we call the soul is the man ABLE to feel pleasure from inflicting pain. Only by taking a piece of the most holy part of God and turning it inside out to create the opposite of what it is meant to be can man enjoy sin!
It was hard enough for me to experience the abuse I endured. If I had been forced to hear the thoughts and know the pleasure my abusers were getting from my suffering it would have sent me insane.
There is only one part of me that is really mine and even that was a gift from God. He made my body from His “body” but my soul is a part of His life force. All that was made from His “body” will be returned to Him. The good man and the bad will die and their bodies will return to God and become, once again, part of Him.
My soul is a gift from God of a piece of His divinity. It is my soul that allows me to go against God. It is a part of God that He surrendered control over when He gave it to me. It is a part of Him that He can never get back if I choose not to return it to Him. Every soul that goes to hell will be a piece of God that He will lose forever. Satan is hoping to get so many pieces of God’s divinity condemned to hell that it will force God to change His mind about losing so much of Himself.
God will not change His mind. He cannot. He has suffered too much at the hands of His tainted, twisted, polluted pieces. He can never accept them back. They would taint Him and stain Him with their evil and He can never allow that.
I know every tree, every blade of grass, every human being is a part of the God I love so much and, because I love God, I love all the various pieces of him – including the ones who have chosen to pervert the divine spark – the part of them that had the potential to be the most like God and which has become the least like God in their hands.
It is this love – the love I feel for God – that I can give to my abusers. I cannot love THEM but I can, and do, love what they are made of!
Theoretically anyway. That’s the goal but I don’t always live out my beliefs. I try to and I know God is, more or less, happy with me as long as I am trying.