Abuse Questionnaire Part Three

Part Three – Verbally Abusive Behaviour

The number of times you can do the following behaviours before getting a score above 0 is higher than in previous sections of the questionnaire because verbally abusive behaviour is something most people do now and then.  It is when it happens a lot or behaviours that accompany it are also abusive that it becomes really abusive.

For those reasons it is important that you don’t forget to add the extra points to the scores if the person responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop in the ways mentioned after each question.

Answer each question about your behaviour and enter your score, then answer the question according to what the other person has done to you, and enter their score.

Have you, or has the other person, ever done any of the following things?

1. Treated the other person as if they can’t be trusted by doing things like monitor phone bills, listen in on phone calls, read their mail or emails, follow or check up on them, or interrogate them about their activities.

NOTE
It is NOT interrogation to ask someone who lives with you to keep you informed of their approximate whereabouts and roughly when they will be home as you need this information to be able to contact them if an emergency arises and to know when it is possible something has happened to them and someone should be looking for them.

It IS interrogation to demand minute details and precise times if the other person is over the age of consent.

Do NOT score yourself for this if the other person is a child in your care who is under the age of consent.  Do score yourself for this if the other person is over the age of consent even if they are a child in your care.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by either doing it again, getting angry, or insisting their reason for objecting is that they have something to hide even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

2. Negatively compared the other person to others, ignored them, criticised them, shamed, embarrassed, ridiculed or made them the target of jokes or put downs in public or in private.  Encouraged them, or anyone else, to think of them as weak, stupid, incompetent, ineffectual, powerless or unimportant.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by either doing it again, getting angry, accusing them of being too sensitive or not being able to take a joke etc. even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

 3. Told the other person nobody else would have them or put up with them, or that they are too stupid, fat, ugly, naive, or anything else, to get love from anyone.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, insisting you are only being honest with them or any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done this once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

 4. Glared, snapped, sneered, shouted, sworn or yelled at the other person, been sarcastic or irritable to them, indulged in explosive outbursts, flown into a rage or thrown a temper tantrum with them.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if the other person froze, flinched, jumped, ducked, cried, backed away from you, asked you to explain why you were angry or what they did to upset you or if you responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting even more angry, accusing them of over reacting, insisted they know, or should know, why you were angry or what they had done wrong or did any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

5. Failed to share the appropriate level of personal information about yourself with the other person making them feel shut out, mistrusted, or rejected.

(It is appropriate for your partner to want to know your hopes, wishes and dreams for example but it is not appropriate for your boss to demand such information.)

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to change by getting angry, accusing them of prying or nagging, saying things like “I do talk to you, I’m talking to you now aren’t I?”, or doing any of the other things mentioned in this questionnaire.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

6. Constantly disagreed with the other person making them feel they are always wrong no matter what they do or say.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to change by getting angry or doing any of the other things mentioned in this questionnaire.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

 7. Dismissed the other persons complaints about your behaviour by accusing them of being childish, stupid, oversensitive or by telling them they should get a sense of humour, lighten up, stop jumping to conclusions etc.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

 8. Refused to discuss things the other person thinks are important by cutting them off, talking over the top of them, changing the subject or just shutting them down.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

 9. Made false, or unproven, accusations such as accusing them of cheating or lying or blamed them for things you have done wrong.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

10. Refused to accept responsibility for things you have said or done that hurt the other person by making excuses such as they took it the wrong way, you didn’t mean it, it wasn’t that big a deal, it was just an accident or they are blowing it out of proportion.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

11. Failed to take responsibility for doing or saying hurtful or abusive things by claiming you don’t remember, you didn’t do it, or insisting it did not happen.

NOTE
A word of caution applies to this question as seriously abusive people will try to convince the target of their abuse that they are the one who is being abusive.  They will accuse them of abusive behaviour and insist it is the targets memory that is faulty not their own when the target does not remember things happening the way they say it happened.

Some abuse performers will refuse to take responsibility for their actions even when confronted with undeniable proof and some targets of abuse accept responsibility for being abused no matter how much proof there is that the abuse was not their fault.

The key criteria for this question is being willing to take responsibility.  If you are willing to take responsibility for your behaviour despite not remembering you do not need to score yourself.  If you think you should not have to take responsibility for behaviour if you don’t remember doing it, or don’t believe you did it, no matter how hurt the other person is then you should score yourself.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to change by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

12. Undermined the other person by withholding emotional support, sabotaging their confidence and self-esteem, shooting down their ideas or deflating their enthusiasm?

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, telling them you are just being honest or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

13. Used threats to get your own way with other people regardless of whether you meant the threats or not.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

14. Called the other person names.  Terms of endearment such as honey, dear, love should be included if they were said sarcastically, dismissively, or by someone who does not have the right to use such terms such as a boss or coworker.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

15. Ordered the other person around by telling them to do things instead of politely asking them, spoken to them as if they were servants rather than equals, refused to take the other persons thoughts, ideas, suggestions or opinions seriously, demanded that other people treat you with a level of respect you do not offer them even if you are their parent or employer.

0 to 3 times: 0      4 to 6 times: 5    7 or More times: 10

Add 10 points to your score if you have responded to the other persons objections, hurt feelings, or requests for the behaviour to stop by doing it again, getting angry, threatening them or doing any of the other behaviours listed in this questionnaire even if you have only done these things once or twice and the rest of your score is 0.

Score for You _______    Score for the Other Person _______

Add up all the scores for yourself then add up all the scores you gave the other person.  You should each have a score somewhere between 0 and 300.

Total score for You ________     Total score for the Other Person ________

Minimum score is 0 and maximum score is 300

When you are ready you can move on to the Scoring Section of the questionnaire.

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