The Beat Goes On

If my life were a dance it would be the Hokey Pokey.  You know how it goes:

“You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about.  You do the hokey pokey and you turn around.  That’s what it’s all about.”

I put my right foot in almost a year ago when I thought about going on a diet and I took it out when I didn’t do it.  I put it back in and shook it all about when I actually signed up and went on the diet.  I did the hokey pokey, stuck to the diet, and lost 14 kilos then I turned around and here I am – back where I started.

I went off the diet and put all the weight back on.  So I put my left foot in and thought about going back on the diet.  I took it out when I didn’t do it but now I’ve put it back in and signed up for the diet again.

I start doing the hokey pokey tomorrow.

This is going to be fun she says in her most sarcastic tone.

I’m coping with not smoking in the house by snacking and the diet will put a stop to that.

On the plus side is the fact that both my kids are going on the diet too.  That was their idea not mine but at least we will be able to encourage and support each other.  They were the ones who introduced me to the diet company in the first place.  They were on the diet when I arrived in town three years ago and sabotaged them with my pizza deliveries.

Weight is not the only thing I have gone backwards with either.  I have been losing money on the pokies again and have to try and get back on the wagon with that too.

I was talking to a lady at the pokies last night who has the same problem and we both agreed we wish they would restrict the pokies to the casino.  Neither of us would have a problem with gambling if they did that because neither of us like the casino so we wouldn’t go there.

I’m not losing money as badly as I was when in the complete grip of the habit but I’m still losing money I can’t afford to waste given I have a five grand credit debt to pay off.

I cleared all my credit debts a while ago and was determined not to ever get back into the credit trap.  I stuck to my resolve but I lent my savings to one of my children and then had nothing to use for removal costs and car repairs.  The kids needed to move before the new owner of their flat put their rent up yet again so I had no time to save for the expenses.  Credit was the only answer.

Another case of do the hokey pokey and you turn around to find you are back where you started.

It feels like my life is nothing but a never ending succession of hurdles I have to jump over.  No sooner do I jump one than another comes along.  The thing that irks me the most is that gambling is a hurdle I keep putting in front of myself!

If I hadn’t lost so much money gambling I would not have needed to go into debt either.

I’ve never blamed God for my misfortunes although I have been known to complain bitterly, and at length, to Him that he made a mistake when he created me and he should fix it by letting me die.

My current situation highlights just how much it is not God’s fault that I have lurched from crisis to crisis throughout my life.

Things should be going extremely well for me right now.  I have an excellent job and make good money.  I should have five grand or more in savings right now instead of being five grand in debt but no – I had to create a crisis since life wasn’t throwing one at me for a change.  So I go and get hooked on the pokies and put myself into financial crisis.

Sometimes I just want to slap myself silly but it probably wouldn’t help.  The only thing that helps is to keep trying.  Never give up and never surrender.  I can only lose if I stop trying to win.

So I went out and had strawberries and pancakes for lunch and pub fish and chips for tea yesterday.  Today I will go have chinese food one last time and tomorrow I will start doing the hokey pokey again and lose weight.

Today I will stay away from the pokies and I plan to stay away from them tomorrow too.  I will try to quit playing them one day at a time again.  It worked last time and I broke the habit.  Even after I weakened and went back to doing it I didn’t break some of the rules I set for myself which is why I haven’t been losing the same amounts I used to lose.

I think where I really fell off the wagon was when I tried to find something else to do to bring fun into my life.  I found a venue where I could go dancing and I went but it couldn’t live up to the memories of the last time I used to go dancing each week.

I thought it might.  The lead singer worked the crowd the same way the man I miss used to work them.  He even paid me attention the same way my unrequited love used to do but then he turned sleazy and began changing words to the songs.

When I heard him substitute the correct lyrics for the words “put my penis into you” I walked out.

There were pokies right next door and they seemed a whole lot more attractive than being subjected to porn in lieu of lyrics.

I haven’t been back and it has put me off trying anywhere else.

It’s pretty sad when the only source of fun in your life is playing the pokies!  I need to find something else.

Love is fun and I have repeatedly considered trying to find love but you need faith to find love and I have none.  I don’t believe anyone could ever love me.  I’ve never believed I could be loved but I used to hope.  I don’t even hope any more.

There are just too many strikes against me.  I’m old and the older you get, as a woman, the less interest men have in you.  I’m fat too and men tend to prefer slim women.  If that wasn’t bad enough I am also a religious fanatic and I imagine that would put anyone off me as soon as they discovered it.

Worst of all – I have standards!  I won’t settle for just anyone.  I want someone attractive and I don’t find many men attractive.  I think it’s because the trend for shoulder length hair on men has passed.

Oh well – que sera sera I guess.

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