Struggling

I’m having a bit of trouble settling in to the new place.  I can’t concentrate on anything so it’s a real struggle to do any of the things I’m used to doing like playing computer games, writing blog entries, write in my pen and paper diary and so on.

I’m a bit irritable too so little things are really annoying me.  I feel like a kid defending my toys from other kids at the moment and I hate it.  I feel sorry for the kids because all I seem to do is run around going “My chair!  My computer!  My modem!  My coke!  My food!  Mine, mine, mine!”

I am tired of sharing everything I have with my kids.  I have done it for over 30 years and I don’t want to do it any more!

We moved into this place as flatmates and I am trying to treat them like flatmates but they are helping themselves to my stuff as if I was their Mum.  I turn my back for a minute and next thing I know they are snoozing in my recliner chair, pinching my computer chair to play their computer, pinching my chair AND my computer, flogging my modem and internet account to play on their computer, eating my frozen pizza and so on and I just hate it.

Sigh.

On the other hand, I don’t mind sharing with them, I don’t know what is wrong with me.

Sigh.

I don’t mind them sitting in my chair if I am not in it or using my computer if I am not on it.  I just mind the feeling they don’t see the stuff as mine so they don’t put things back the way they were for me.

In my last entry I mentioned I thought my brother was mad at me and had decided to treat me with ignore.  He was a bit surprised at me thinking that and said he isn’t the type to do that.  He said if he is mad at someone he tells them.  I thought I had grown enough to be more sensible than I was about that issue.  I should have asked him if he was mad at me instead of backing away.

Sigh.  Something is wrong with me.

I can’t count the number of times I have thought about writing an update for this blog or playing a computer game or doing other things only to lose interest almost immediately and end up going back to bed instead.

I don’t know if it is because I am living with other people again, because I can’t smoke inside any more, or because I ran out of my antidepressants about a week ago and I might be sinking back down into depression.  I suspect it may be a combination of all three.

I have noticed an increase in depressive thinking so I am going to see the doctor and refill my antidepressant medication as soon as I can.

I suspect the real problem is not being able to smoke inside any more.  I am used to chain smoking when I am at home.  I smoke when I play on the computer, when I watch TV, when I write and so on but now I can’t do that.

According to my calculations I am smoking at least 10 smokes per day less now which is a fair few.  I guess maybe I am suffering a bit of withdrawal and that is what is causing the problem.

I don’t know.  I do know it has taken me about four days to write this blog entry so I probably should finish here so I can get it online before I lose interest again.

Leave a Reply