Alive But Hungry

Well, as expected, I didn’t die but I got enough of a fright to make me cut right back on the diet coke!  Instead of four to six litres a day I have only had about two litres a day over the past couple of days.  I have been drinking big mugs of water with the coke too so I have been diluting it as I go and there have been no more symptoms with my heart.

That experience, see entry titled “Am I Dying“, was pretty scary and I think I would rather it doesn’t happen again.

It’s funny really.  Just a few short years ago, see article titled “When I Was Suicidal“, I was begging God to let me die.  If I’d had those symptoms then I would have increased, not decreased, the diet coke!  Once the demon of suicide was gone, however, things changed.  I no longer wanted to die so desperately although it didn’t change the fact that I don’t particularly mind if I do die.

Life without that demon is considerably more comfortable, however, because I don’t like the idea of being the cause of my own death any more.  No more thoughts of suicide every time something goes wrong and no more longing to die.  I don’t like the world and I don’t mind if my time is up sooner rather than later but I’m willing to take care of myself even if that means prolonging my life now.

So I’m doing my best to cut right back on the diet coke though I am not sure I will be able to give it up and I’m trying to lose weight even though I know both of those things will be good for the health of my heart.

The diet is going well so far.  I am on day three of week two now and, whilst I can’t see any difference, I can feel a little bit of a difference in my clothing.  Some of my clothes had gotten a little too tight for comfort recently but they are comfortable again now.

I still don’t have any scales so thats all I can go by for now.  I think there has been an improvement in my meralgia paresthetica already as the pain and discomfort has subsided to more bearable levels now.  It isn’t cured but the improvement gives me hope that I am on the right track and losing all the weight I put on after the surgery (see entry titled Meralgia Paresthetica) will get rid of the problem completely.

The diet itself is not bad.  Three meals and two snacks a day all prepared for me and delivered at the start of the week for 135 dollars a week.  They don’t call me or try to interfere in my life with advice to exercise etc.  Some people might dislike their hands-off approach but I prefer it that way.

I’m struggling with the timing of my meals,however, because of my night shifts and night-owl ways.  I want my last meal of the day at around 3 or 4 in the morning, before I go to bed, and I don’t want breakfast until around noon or later if I sleep well.

Until today, therefore, I’ve been having breakfast around 3am then going to bed and having my mid-morning snack for breakfast around noon.  Lunch has been at around 3pm and mid-afternoon snack at 6 or 7pm with dinner at 9 or 10 pm.

Today, however, that changed.

It was my daughter’s birthday yesterday so we went out.  I was good and did not eat any non-diet food while we were out and she was good and ate before and after our outing.

We went to the movies so I took my afternoon snack of a banana and date muffin with me and ate it there but I had to leave the yoghurt that went with it at home.

I ate the muffin during the movie (and the crumbs afterwards when I found them in a fold of my clothing) but it was after midnight before I could have my dinner.

I was tired (I’m sleeping better too I might add) and not hungry around 4am so I went to bed without having breakfast.  I had it when I woke up at about 11 am so I don’t know if that means I will be able to go to sleep tonight without having breakfast first.  I hope so.

I’ve been hungry on the diet.  The first week was fine.  I felt I was getting more than enough food but the past few days it feels like the food I eat just takes the edge off my hunger rather than satisfying me completely. I’ve been trying to work out what is going on.  Why am I still hungry after I eat?

I think it’s because I am used to being over-full after eating!  I’m used to eating two large meals a day and snacking any time there is something around to snack on.  I’m also used to eating a lot of what I would describe as “heavy” food.  Pizza’s, burgers, junk food!

Twice I have had pasta on this diet and, despite the small (for me) size of the serving, I have felt completely satisfied after those meals.  Any meal that has bread with it also seems to satisfy me more than those without bread.

The diet contains a LOT of fruit, vegetables, salads and nuts which seem to make me more hungry rather than less at times.  It feels like I have had an appetizer rather than a meal and I’m looking for bread or pasta to go with it.

The pain in my thigh is proving more than enough incentive to stick with the diet though so I’m hoping my body will adjust to the food and learn to be satisfied with “lighter” meals.

Only time will tell.

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