Today

The phone rang today and woke me up.  It rang just twice then they hung up.  I thought it was my daughter but I asked her and it wasn’t so then I thought it might be my unrequited love but, of course, it wouldn’t be.

I played the online game today but I was bored and tired so I went back to bed.  When I woke up I thought I had forgotten a friends birthday but I hadn’t.  It’s next month.  I called her anyway and then I called my mother.  I went back online and let the timer work in the game while I talked on the phone.

I put the phone on the floor after using it today and went back to playing the online game.  Every time I got up to do something else I trod on the phone.  Every time I stood on it I told myself to pick it up and put it away but I didn’t and now the zero key won’t work.

I coughed today.  I cough every day.  Each time I wake I am usually drenched in sweat and coughing.  I think I am sick but I can’t be bothered going to the doctor.  She will only tell me to stop smoking and I don’t want to do that.

I went gambling tonight.  I wasn’t going to but, as I sat at the computer watching the timer counting away the seconds of my life, I got restless.  I went gambling for something to do.

I won tonight.  Two little jackpots one after the other but I didn’t smile and I didn’t care.  I don’t really want money.  I want him.

The wheels on the slot machines turned and I watched but I wasn’t seeing them.  I was seeing his face as it looks now.  As it looks on the My Tube clips I found.

When the machine paid out all I could think of was how much I would rather see him walking towards me.  When it paid out again I wished I could trade all the jackpots in the world for some time with him.

When gambling failed to take my mind off him I gave up and came home with 50 dollars more than I started with.

I’m back on the computer playing the game again but I’m not watching the timer right now.  I’m writing this and feeling my heart ache in my chest.

It has been almost exactly ten years now since I boarded a plane and flew away from my marriage.  It has been more than ten years since I last felt a mans arms around me.

All these years I have told myself I would rather have nothing than something bad or something that would be no good for me.

Now I know that just isn’t true.  I would rather have him no matter what it costs and no matter what the consequences might be.  Nothing could be worse than being without his smile and never knowing the feel of his arms around me or the touch of his lips on mine.

My chest hurts.  It could be from the cough but I think it’s from unrequited love.  Worst of all is the fact there is nothing I can do to make this better for myself.

All I can do is go watch the game, and my life, tick slowly away one second at a time until today is gone and it’s time to watch tomorrow tick away too.