Marking Time

I’m still struggling with depression and feeling a little cut off from God.  I’m still not sure what is going on with me and having trouble writing because of that.

It has been two weeks since I last gambled and I am not the slightest bit interested in doing it again.  The idea comes to me but I don’t give it house-room in my mind.  I just replace gambling thoughts with the image of how empty my bank account is.  Thanks to the dental work I am having done I don’t even have enough money to make it through to next pay right now.

It has occurred to me to take the little bit I have left and try to gamble it into enough to get through to next pay but I have been in this position before.  Last time I reacted that way to being this broke I just made things worse so it is not an option.

The thing that is getting me down the most, however, is not that I am so broke.  That is not an uncommon condition for me.  I will make it to next pay somehow.  I may have to borrow a bit from my kids to do it but I will be OK.

Things will work out financially for me.  I know they will.  They always do.  Things have been a lot worse than this before and I got through it so I have no doubt at all that I will get through this too.

What is really getting me down is feeling slightly disconnected from God.

I can feel He is wanting me to move to a higher level in my Christian walk and I don’t want to do it.  I like being His baby girl.  I like being fed the milk of His love without having to be a “good girl” for Him.  I don’t want to grow up and be more responsible for my actions and behaviour.

He is not making any demands.  I can still feel His love and forgiveness but there is just a little bit more distance between us and I really hate it.  I feel like a toddler being asked to walk when I don’t want to – I want to be carried!

I’m not sure exactly what is going on but all I want to write are epic essays about why I should not have to change and God keeps making me scrap them.  It’s frustrating and annoying because I want to update this blog every three days at the minimum but everything I write gets scrapped.

I guess my only option is to write brief updates like this until I sort it all out and can get back to my usual long-winded entries.

A few short entries can’t hurt and might even be welcome.  As far as I can tell adding short entries is better than adding none as then people won’t think I have abandoned the blog.