The sayings “Treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” and “nice guys finish last” have been irritating me for years now. It annoys me that so many people believe the key to getting to the top, and staying on top, is to treat other people badly. It annoys me even more that so much of what happens in the public arena seems to prove the truth of these sayings.
It is a common sight to see “bad” boys and girls getting famous just for behaving badly or to see people treat their partners mean knowing others are lined up ready to replace them if they walk away.
What people don’t notice is how these same “bad” boys and girls tend to end their lives alone and unwanted! Unless, of course, they have enough money, fame, social power, or personal qualities to keep a partner or family with them at the end. The media doesn’t tend to showcase the social has-beens with as much enthusiasm as they chronicle rising stars so we don’t see the end results of being nasty, abusive or unfaithful to others.
I have listened to a lot of elderly “bad” boys and girls as they spoke, bitterly, about how people used to line up to be with them when they had money, were young and good looking, or were famous. Some of them are able to recognise they would still have love if they hadn’t treated it so badly. Others just resent the fact they can’t get away with behaving badly any more. Far too many of them are simply unable to see they drove people away from them with their behaviour.
There are three basic things that attract other people to us – appearance, social position and our own personal qualities. In the game of love you will find there is a subconscious bartering system going on. People trade themselves for what they think they are worth on the social desirability scale. This is why, as we have all seen, an ugly old rich or famous person can have a young and gorgeous partner – one is trading looks for the others fame or money.
We have all, however, seen desirable looking people who have hooked up with someone who seems to have nothing going for them and wondered why. John and Yoko Ono are a classic example of that. He had looks, fame and money and she seemed to have none of the traditional qualities a woman usually has to have to get such a partner. It is the most famous example I can think of where someone has managed to attract, and hang on to, an extremely desirable partner using personal qualities alone.
We all know at least one couple whose partnership makes no sense at all. One is a very desirable person and the other is positively repulsive one way or another.
Abusive relationships are a classic example of this. A gorgeous person is hooked up with someone who not only has no looks, money, or fame but they have a cruel, abusive, even vicious personality and make life hell for their partner.
That is where self-esteem comes in. People who hook up with someone who has nothing to offer them usually believe it is they who have nothing to offer. This is much more common in females than in males as society tends to start working to destroy female self-esteem as soon as they are born. More females than males are sexually molested as children and society tends to tell males they should be PROUD of being “desirable” enough to be molested anyway for example!
Females who escape having their self-esteem battered by abuse as children will be attacked as soon as they enter puberty by media images of how women should look.
The commonplace sight of beautiful women with undesirable men tends to be due to the common phenomenon of poor self-esteem in women. This is the reason why most abusive partners work hard to ensure their victim believes nobody else would have them or they deserve being treated badly. Only an improvement in self-esteem will make an abuse victim seek a better partner. The most common cause of improved self esteem tends to be age – the older we get the less likely we are to believe lies.
Here is a look at the things that lie at the heart of “attraction”. Do you have these things? Can you, or do you, appear to have them? Which of these things is the romantic “coin” your partner is trading to have you and which is the romantic “coin” that has attracted your partner to you? Are your coins, or your partners coins, fake?
Appearing to have any of these attributes when you don’t is trading fake “coins” and many a con-artist is good at that. Many a person is involved with someone who has nothing to offer because they can’t believe the “coin” they traded themselves for was actually fake and doesn’t exist. This is particularly likely to happen with the romantic coin of personal qualities.
Good looks will attract partners, as we all know, but so will “image”. If you can get the media to SAY you are good looking (a classic example of this is those sick, malnourished, bony looking models) society will act as if you are good looking!
Having good looks can get you a lot of things that give you social position such as a rich partner, a famous friend, or a part in a movie.
If you can successfully APPEAR to have any of the other attributes listed below you will also be treated as if you are desirable.
People who seem socially successful attract partners. To seem socially successful you need to have looks, money, fame or power as everyone knows. As I mentioned above, you don’t actually have to POSSESS these things, you just have to LOOK like you have them!
Money attracts partners for obvious reasons. People who are attracted to money are interested in getting some of the benefits of having money for themselves.
Fame will attract partners too for various reasons. Famous people are exposed to a lot more people than the rest of us. The more people you are exposed to the more likely it is that people who would naturally be attracted to you will “discover” you and be attracted.
Fame also attracts people who want fame for themselves. Being seen with famous people is often all it takes to become famous yourself and people know that.
Power attracts hangers-on because powerful people can often supply many of the other things already mentioned. Powerful people can give their partners, friends, even the people who work for them money, social standing or power of their own.
Talent is the most well known of all the Personal qualities people can have. The ability to sing, dance, paint, write and so on can attract all the above mentioned things.
Personal qualities are much harder to APPEAR to have but, as any recording studio or film director knows, it can be done.
Self-confidence, self-esteem and inner strength will attract partners. People like to be with strong, confident, self-assured people particularly if they lack those qualities themselves. Once again, however, just APPEARING confident, self-assured or strong can also be enough.
The opposite is also true. Poor self-esteem and no inner strength will attract partners too. The person with no self-esteem and no inner strength is offering a partner the chance to FEEL powerful. Being able to control a partner is the only real social power that is available to the average person and many people need it to be able to feel they are socially successful.
A less well known thing is that simply being a strong, confident, unique individual who takes pride in being themselves and doing what they love can also get you to the top of the heap! Society often underestimates the power of having a good set of personal qualities in spite of seeing people make it to the top with nothing more than that going for them.
Nice guys may seem to finish last but genuinely nice people never end up completely alone. Only people who have fake niceness suffer that fate.
Have you worked out which romantic “coin” you and your partner have traded with each other?
If you are unable to see at least one of these desirable things in yourself or your partner the chances are there is one of two things wrong.
You may have poor self-esteem. You may be trading yourself for less than you are worth or you may be missing out on desirable partners because you do not believe they could really care for you.
The other problem may be inflated self-esteem. You may be wanting a partner that has a lot of romantic “coin” without having enough coin of your own to offer them in return.
To get a partner you need to have romantic “coin”. The more coin you have the more partners you can get but quantity does not necessarily equal quality. The best way to ensure you will find your “happily ever after” relationship is to develop a good personality and look for a partner who has that too!
If you do a good enough job on developing your personality you may get unexpected bonus results.
Steve Irwin’s personal qualities were actually so good they ended up attracting all the above things – money, fame, power as well as a good partner – to him!
Steve Irwin became famous for simply being Steve Irwin and refusing to even try to be anyone else. There is another saying that I much prefer to the ones I mentioned at the start of this entry and Steve Irwin personifies it.
“Cream will always rise to the top.”