I was only 19 when I became a born-again Christian and I had a lot of emotional baggage. Men were, in my opinion, completely untrustworthy and that included God and Jesus if they existed. I had been raised to believe in God but I had my doubts about the truth of what I had been taught.
I had hit rock bottom in my life thanks to the birth of my first child. I was not coping at all so, when I read a book that said God could help me if I would give my life to him, I decided I had nothing to lose. I accepted the sacrifice of Christ and handed my life over to God purely on an intellectual level. I told God I did not, in fact, really believe He existed but I was willing to let Him change that.
In my heart I wanted Him to exist. I wanted someone to love me and, in time, I did become convinced God really does exist. Once I believed, however, I became afraid of Him!
He was male and I had gotten nothing from the males in my life to encourage me to trust males. In my heart I feared God would make me suffer or Jesus would want to have sex with me one day.
I was filled with anger, hate, resentment, grudges and more negative things than I have time to list here. I knew I was not worthy of Gods love and I was sure God would use, betray or leave me sooner or later. It was not a question of if He would turn away from me but when. My ability to trust anyone, even God, simply did not exist and I was afraid of what God would do to me.
One day I was in tears over something that had happened. I was feeling terribly alone and inadequate. I turned to God and told him it was time for me to leave him before he left me. I said I cannot be what you want me to be. I cannot avoid sin or be a nice person and I am tired of always having to say sorry because, no matter how hard I try, I can never seem to do any better.
God spoke to me, as always, through my thoughts. I tend to know who is prompting the thoughts by the tone and content of them. The tone of my thoughts, when it is God who is speaking, is always calm, gentle, compassionate and loving. The actual thoughts tend to surprise me and leave me certain they are from God rather than my own mind. So often they are things I know I would never have thought myself. This was one such time.
“Who am I?” God asked me.
What kind of stupid question is that I wondered but I answered with what I thought he wanted to hear.
“You are the one true God. You are the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the heavenly Father.”
“That is who you have been told I am,” God chided me, “who am I to you?”
I started crying.
“You are the only one in existence who could ever love me but I am failing you and I can’t help it.”
“How old are you?” He asked.
Another stupid question but this was God, I was sure of that, I wouldn’t ask myself such stupid questions so it had to be God. I wasn’t about to tell God his question was dumb so I answered.
“I am 20.”
“That is how old your body is,” He said, “How old are you spiritually?”
It took me a while to figure out what he meant but I realised he was referring to how long I had been born again.
“I have been born again less than one year.” I said.
“So you are a spiritual infant,” God said, “what can be expected of an infant?”
“Not much,” I laughed, “but I am not really an infant. You have a right to expect more from me than I am giving right now.”
“When a child comes into the world what is required of it?” God asked me.
“Nothing really,” I said, “it is expected to feed, sleep, grow, learn and not much else but I am not a baby.”
“Would you like to be?”
God asked me gently and I burst into tears of longing.
“I have never been a baby,” I sobbed, “I was always expected to be a big girl.”
“You were right when you said I am the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, but I am more than that.” God said.
“I have no gender. I am called the Heavenly Father but the truth is more that I am the Heavenly Parent. I am not male nor female but I can be either male or female.”
“You are my child and I love you. I have always loved you and I will always love you. You cannot earn my love therefore you cannot lose it either. What do you need from me right now?”
I was still crying and I could hardly talk but I knew what I needed. I needed to be held and loved. Just held and loved. I needed someone to love me exactly as I was for no reason and with no strings. I was so tired of trying to be what other people wanted me to be.
God spoke again.
“You are a spiritual infant. You are my baby and I love you. Right now you need a mother and I will be your mother. I will hold you and breast feed you and all you have to do is feed, sleep, grow and learn.”
“All the things you have been trying to do to please me are things you are not old enough to do yet. You are too young to chew spiritual meat and that is why you are choking. You need spiritual milk first. My love is that milk. Feed on it. Let it make you strong. Let it help you grow. When you are old enough I will feed you meat and ask more of you. Until then just relax and feed on my love for you.”
That night I put away my belief that God was a man and I let him breast feed me for years on the spiritual milk of his love.
I grew strong on that milk and it remains the one thing I cannot, will not, live without. God loves me. He always has and he always will. I can’t earn that love which means I can’t lose it either.
The only way to separate myself from God’s love is to turn away from him and that is the one thing I know I will never do. If I was ever going to do that I would have done it after I was attacked. I chose not to turn away then so I know, now, I will never turn away. That means I will always have God’s love and, as long as I have that, I will be all right!
God is not a man or a woman – he is neither yet he is both and he is also more than both – he is God!