In a previous entry I wrote about my unrequited love for a man I have not seen in over six years. I drew a behavioural map for trying to shake off my obsession with him and gave myself until April to stop all the behaviours I listed. The other day I had another look at the map and here is an update on my progress.
1. I wanted to stop going places hoping he will be there – Done.
I don’t think he is even in this country any more.
2. I wanted to stop looking for him in places I go – Done.
He is not in Australia.
3. I wanted to stop looking for him in emails – Done.
I don’t open emails from unknown sources any more.
4. I wanted to stop looking for him in anonymous phone calls – Almost done.
Thinking of him when I get an anonymous phone call has become a habit but I think of him then quickly push him out of my mind. I don’t believe for even a second it could actually be him on the end of the line.
5. I wanted to stop looking for him on the internet – Done.
The diarist I thought might be him doesn’t seem like him any more. I actually don’t want it to be him now because the diarist is in love with another woman – a married one. I still read his diary every now and then but only when I have nothing else to do and I wonder how he is doing. I feel for him because I know what it’s like to love someone you can’t have hehehe
6. I wanted to stop seeking out memories through songs etc – Done.
So many of the songs he sang have been turned into ads that they no longer affect me. I can’t even remember how they sounded when he sang them any more. I just remember I thought he sang them better than the original artists.
7. I wanted to stop feeling anything when memories are triggered – Done.
My memories have faded. I can’t remember what he looks like, how he sounded, or what we said so nothing triggers memories any more.
8. I wanted to stop thinking about him – Not even close yet.
I still think about him quite often. I wonder where he is, how he is, and if he remembers me but it’s mostly just nostalgia now.
9. I wanted to stop writing about him in my pen and paper diary – Almost done.
I only write about him once in a while when I get an attack of longing for him.
10. I wanted to stop wanting him – Not even close yet.
I have accepted reality. He’s gone. It didn’t happen and that means it wasn’t meant to happen. If he was Mr Right he would not have walked out of my life. It’s just hard to stop wanting him when I have not met anyone who could take his place in my affections.
I’m not interested in finding someone to take his place either. I know the truth about love now. It’s hard work!
It’s not true what they tell you when you are young – “love conquers all”, “all you need is love”, “love is never having to say you are sorry”, “love is fifty percent give and fifty percent take” – all those sayings are pure bullsh*t!
Love does not conquer all! Love is precious. It is a living thing and, like any living thing, it can be KILLED! It can be shot with bullets of abuse, stabbed by verbal knives of contempt and disrespect, suffocated by jealousy, strangled by mistrust, poisoned by lies and deceit or it can simply starve to death from being neglected.
Love is NOT all you need! You need respect, commitment, at least some compatible goals, interests and beliefs and the ability to turn to each other rather than to withdraw if things get tough.
As for love never having to say sorry – that is probably one of the most damaging myths about love that Hollywood ever imposed on us! My ex believed that and his refusal to say sorry when he did me wrong helped kill my love for him. Sincere apologies are one of the most healing things you can give to someone you have wronged. Without them the wounds can fester.
The idea that love is 50/50 is another one that helps kill off relationships. In every relationship there will be times when you or your partner will be empty and not able to give anything at all. Love should be 50/50 most of the time but both partners need to be able to accept that there will be times when they will have to give 100 percent and get nothing back until their spouse recovers from whatever has emptied them.
Nothing worth having comes easy – least of all love!
When I was twenty I thought all you needed was love so that’s all I looked for in a man. Not any more. Now I know it doesn’t matter how much he loves me or I love him – if there is no commitment, no honesty, no respect and we have nothing at all in common there’s probably nothing but heartbreak ahead.
I fell in love with another Mr Wrong but he is not a part of my life so he can’t do me any harm. I’m in no hurry to replace him with someone who can and, given my track record with romantic choices, probably will cause me grief!